This isn’t something that I’ve outright openly shared with many people. My close circle knows the path I’ve been on and once and awhile I might mention it to relate to others but for the most part, I haven’t really talked about it. Are you wondering why? Well, first of course, I wanted to make sure I could do it. Then, I wanted to avoid the faces of shock and the endless, “I didn’t realize you drank that much”, or “you’re not an alcoholic, look at you”, or Judge Judy suddenly looking at me differently because she thinks the word ‘alcoholic’ is absolutely terrible and makes me a bad person.
Okay Judge Judy, let me explain something to you. When most people hear someone is an alcoholic, they assume the end of the world or people who drink every day, jail, DUI, stumbling around, bad life choices, irresponsible, passed out on the floor, blah blah blah (which isn't always wrong). But, if there’s anything I’ve learned this past year, it’s that ANYONE can be an alcoholic and a lot of us don’t even realize it (or we do and we just don’t want to admit it).
So I’m sure you’re wondering how I figured out I was an alcoholic? Fair question, it really wasn't that hard. In short; I wasn’t a daily drinker but when I did drink, there was no such thing as just one, ever. It was not possible for me to have just one drink. I was often a damn good time, followed by a hot mess express once they really started flowing. Then, later in life, I started to drink because I didn’t want to feel. Life was hard some days and some days I just didn’t want to feel how hard, so I’d make a strong cocktail and escape for the time being.
They say that when you hit rock bottom, that is when you’ll know you’re ready to stop drinking. I don’t know who ‘they’ are but they weren’t wrong. I hit a point where I felt like it was MY bottom (it looks different for everyone). I was scared, embarrassed, mortified, sad, angry, and all the things. I walked through the front door that day and looked at Tim, bawling my eyes out and said, I think I need to help with my drinking. We had talked about it in the past but I never thought that I was someone that would be in those type of meetings. I was nothing like ‘those’ people, whoever they were. I worked a good job, we owned our home, cars, all the things. Never had a DUI or been to jail (surprisingly). So, that night, Tim took me to my first support meeting, where we sat in the back and I cried. With every share, every word, I cried harder. I WAS just like these people, they were speaking my story. After the support meeting, ‘these’ people came up to me and told me they were happy I was there and to keep coming back. They didn’t even know me, but somehow believed in me. What kind of madness is this, I wondered. Then, as we drove home, Tim asked, “are you okay?” and through my tears I whispered, “not at all”.
This began my journey of ‘getting sober’. I prefer to just say, ‘I don’t drink anymore’ but the fact is, I AM an alcoholic and I AM getting sober. I’ll tell ya though, it is no easy feat. If you recall, I would drink to numb my feelings, do you know what happens when you stop drinking? You feel.. You feel EVERYTHING! All the feelings you were trying to escape from, they come back with a vengeance. It sucks. I don’t know another alcoholic that would disagree... feeling all the things and having your one outlet be taken away freaking sucks. However, the more I showed up, the more I listened, the more I shared, I started to realize, there are other ways to deal with feelings. Oh yea, plus a shit ton of therapy but that’s a given for me. I eventually started doing the real work, aside from just not drinking. Getting sober is work and it does work, if you work it. I had to change so many habits, turn down so many plans and actively work at not drinking.
Then 6 ½ months into my sobriety, Tim took his own life. My soulmate, the person I was suppose to grow old with, the man I loved more than life itself, was gone. Talk about not wanting to feel. I’d think how much better it would be if I could just get wasted and numb this nightmare I was living in, but, alcohol doesn’t make the feelings go away, you actually end up feeling them twice. Once before you started drinking and again, when you come to and remember all over again. What a waste of time, right? I couldn’t handle my feelings as it was, I sure as hell didn’t want to feel them twice.
This is where I want to take a moment to recognize the amazing people I now call friends. The night I found Tim, I called my closest support system at 3am and she got to me within 20 minutes. She held me and loved me until my family could get there. I didn’t know what else to do. Every time I tell someone what the importance is of getting someone to walk this journey with you, I share this story. At my darkest, deepest, most devastating point in my life... she was there that night and for weeks to come. There aren't enough words in the world, to let her know how grateful I am for her.
Now back to the feelings.. They suck, plain and simple. These past 5 months since Tim has been gone, I’ve learned so much about how to cope with devastation and loss. How to grieve without numbing or avoiding. When you’re faced with it every day, there’s no way to ignore it anymore. So, not only am I a grieving widow, I am staying sober in the process. Losing Tim is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with, every day it hurts, every day I miss him and every day, I still choose not to drink. Please don’t ask me how I do it because I really don’t know, but I am.
In these last 365 days, I’ve learned so much about myself and others. I’ve had my eyes opened to the people and things around me. My head is much clearer and my thoughts (although often sad) are also clear. It’s kind of nice not waking up with a hangover and wasting away the whole day because I was sick from drinking or needing hair of the dog to even function. Sober me is a better version of me, Kristy 2.0. Not just for myself but for everyone around me also.
So whether you call it ‘not drinking anymore’ or ‘getting sober’... I’m still on the right track. Giving myself grace as needed and reminding myself that I’m a continuous work in progress. One day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time.
To celebrate my hard work and success I made this fun video, as hard as life has been lately, it feels nice to have something happy to share.
"Sis, You the baddest Even when you feelin' like the saddest Keep your chin up cause your crown won't fall And fear is an illusion so don't worry at all Your journey is yours
Sis! You a bad, bitch!
Even when you don't feel it you still the baddest!" - Shariya Wise
Comments