We’ve covered a few different topics this week but I found this article and it resonated with me so I wanted to share it with you, and add my own twist to it. It can be hard to support someone that is grieving during the holiday season. Sometimes they don’t even know what they need, which makes trying to ‘help’ them even harder. However, I’m going to share with you seven things your grieving loved one would like you to know.
We may be smiling but we are still grieving: We try so hard to put that mask on and not be the downer of the gathering so we smile our way through it. Please do not confuse our smiles for doing ‘better’, we are simply just trying to survive in a world that doesn’t fully understand grief.
We feel safest when you let us express how we are feeling without judgement. If you are going to ask how we are doing, genuinely mean it. Your job here is to just listen. Allow the griever to share their feelings and try to refrain from offering advice (unless asked for). Listen with an open heart and don’t pass any judgement. The last thing we want is to feel like we can’t openly share how we are feeling.
Even if we don’t respond (texts, calls, emails, etc.), we do notice when you reach out. Speaking from experience, I tend to be really bad at getting back to people. However, it makes me happy to hear from people on those special days and know that we are in their thoughts. The simple texts mean so much.
Being there for us is the best gift you can give. As grievers, we don’t need much from other people; at least for me personally. There isn’t much others can do for me during this process but when people show up and are supportive and there for us, it’s truly a gift in itself and always so appreciated. It certainly doesn’t go unnoticed.
Please mention our loved ones name, it lets us know you care. This can be a tricky one because death makes people weird and more often than not, people just choose not to bring up our deceased love one for a variety of reasons. They aren’t sure how we will react, they don’t know what to say, they don’t know what is OK and not OK to talk about. I’m here to tell you, talk about them. It brings comfort to those of us grieving and makes us feel like you care and that you see us.
We may not have the energy to participate in everything but we appreciate the invite. As I mentioned in my previous blog.. INVITE your grieving friend! Regardless if you think they’ll come or not, we still want to feel included in things and not so isolated from the world. We may say no thank you a thousand times but I guarantee, eventually, we will say yes. So please, keep inviting us to all the things.
Lastly, we are doing the best we can and that changes daily. Grief is weird, we may have a good day or good moment and then the next an awful one. We can’t control when grief wants to show up, it truly has a mind of it’s own. So we may say yes one day and no the next. Personally, this is something I struggle with because I hate disappointing people but some days I just can’t people. Some days it sounds like a great idea to go to an event or meet someone for coffee and then I wake up the next day and feel a complete change of heart because the grief is too heavy. It all depends on the person.
- In addition, acknowledge that the holidays may be hard and reassure them that you are there for them.
- Let them decide who they want to be with and give them space to do so.
- Respect whatever your loved one chooses, regardless if you agree or not, the best thing you can do is respect their decisions.
With that being said, I also want to say, please grant us grace during this difficult time. We are navigating through waters that are so unfamiliar to us and just trying to get by one day at a time.
I think it’s also worth mentioning that you shouldn’t take anything personal during the holiday season or any time of year for those grieving. Our grief journeys will all look different, and we will all cope differently. We are all out here doing the best we can with what we have. So please be a kind human. Approach with a kind and compassionate heart.
Grief is hard, these are just a few of the things as grievers, we want all of you to know. Hopefully it will help you better understand what we are going through. Unfortunately, unless you’ve experienced a deep profound loss of a loved one, you won’t fully understand but if you can at offer support, it will make a world of difference.
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