Today officially marks two months since your beautiful soul left this earth. To be honest, I was in a pretty big fog for many weeks, just kind of going through the motions. Doing the things that needed to be taken care of; credit cards, medical records, banking, police department, medical examiner office, funeral home, all the things that needed to be taken care of in a certain frame. All while still working and grieving the unimaginable. I know that you’re always with me but I wanted to share this with you as I look back on these last two months.
There is not a day that goes by where I don’t miss you, several times a day actually. Not a day goes by that I don’t cry for you, that I don’t beg for you to please come back, that I don’t feel my soul crushing, that I wish I had done more, spent more time with you, and all the shoulda coulda wouldas. I always told you I never wanted to do life without you and here I am trying to figure it out. I know this isn’t what you wanted though. I know in my heart that your illness was greater than you and you’re not suffering anymore. However, I really hate all of this. I never imagined you not being in my life. I never imagined sitting and waiting for you to walk through the front door, knowing you never will again.
I’m trying my hardest to be strong, to speak up more, to create boundaries and ask for help if I really need it. I know you’ll be proud of me for those things. I started EMDR therapy to help with my PTSD/Trauma from that night… I hate that COVID hit when you first started it because I think it really could have alleviated some of your pain… I feel like it’s helping me. It’s not making me forget you in any way shape or form, it’s just helping my brain with the trauma of finding you that night/morning. I’m doing support groups and even went back to Scott, our therapist, once a week. He’s not Alissa but he’s doing a pretty damn good job with me.
I find myself “day dreaming” or spacing out often… just thinking about all the things I love and miss about you. Not just that handsome face but how absolutely amazing you are. How deeply you loved. How you gave the best hugs, the best comfort, kept me informed on the world, made me laugh with your silly jokes and always laughing at me laughing at my own jokes. How much I admired the amazing parts of your brain and how creative and wicked smart you were. The memories we created and the memories we had yet to create. As I get ready to go to Donovan’s first birthday party I can’t help but keep feeling like you should have been here. I wanted to experience all of these milestones with you.
Every day I wear your wedding ring around my neck to remind myself that you are always with me. When I find myself having an anxious moment, I rub it or hold it to help calm me down. I use your body wash everyday just to smell you again. I refuse to wash any of your dirty clothes or move anything that you left in a particular spot. Some times I go stand in the garage and cry because that’s where you spent a lot of your time on your journey to be an entrepreneur. The house is filled with even more pictures of you and us (if that was even possible) that I can look at and just remember you. I drink out of your water jug. Anything that can make me still feel connected to you. I hate that you’re a memory now and no longer physically here.
Grief is a weird thing, I never know when the tears are going to fall… like they are now as I write this. I never know when a song is going to hit me differently or a noise is going to make me feel a certain way. I’m triggered more often than I’d like and I don’t know how to control that. You know I’m a control freak too so it’s been extra difficult. Some days I don’t want to get out of bed but know that I have to in order to keep my job. There are several days that I’m wiping away tears moments before I’m jumping on a conference call. I’m trying to move forward but it’s like my body just wont let me. I know it’s only been two months but it’s been the longest two months of my life.
Sadie really misses you too… I’m pretty certain she is depressed and I could never take care of her as good as you did but I’m doing the best I can. Both of us are depressed and sad and miss you terribly.
There are so many things I wish were different but I’ll never get that time back and for that I’m sorry. These two months have really forced me to look at this life and see how much I need to do differently. I just wish I would have realized sooner. There are so many things I wish…
You know I’ve always been your biggest advocate and I promise you that will never change. You were taken from me in a way that could have possibly been prevented had you received the proper care. That fuels the ity bity tiny flame that’s still in me. It’s small but it’s there. I plan to continue to advocate for you and share your story and experiences. I was always so proud of how open you were with your struggles and your passion to help others going through it. I always told you that I wish you could just see what I see in you. Just know, your voice hasn't gone with you... I'm here, speaking up for you and for us.
I’m grateful for all the support I’ve received too. I’ve been able to connect with some of the people that you always talked about growing up with and that’s been special to me. I’m loving that I’m still learning about you even though you’re no longer here and I’m grateful for the people who continue to check on me. I hope that you can see how many lives you touched. I hope you can feel the love that so many people have for you.
My heart aches for you every day and I’m still in disbelief that this is my life now… you are my light, my love, my everything. Please continue to show me the signs that you’re still here, please continue to watch over me and keep me safe. I always felt the safest when I was with you. I’m now trying to do the best that I can with what I have and sometimes that’s really hard. You’re my soulmate, my lifelong partner… and now all I have are memories. I love you soooooo much. Home Team forever baby cakes.
Friends: if you’ve read this… it’s easy to get wrapped up in our day to day lives. Work, kids, events, etc. But my advice to you is MAKE time. Make time to be present, make time to create memories, take all the pictures and videos. You never know when life will take you, so make the best of it. It’s not until you don’t have it anymore, that you really realize how much you let pass by. You will never get that time back.
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