I survived another trip around the sun. Most days I don’t know how, a lot of days I don’t know why and every day I feel like it’s all unreal. I reflected a lot on this past year of my life. The ups and downs, the highs and lows, happiness and sadness, anxiety and joy, all the emotions were felt this past year. Despite the happy videos, funny meme’s and smiling pictures; I’m still very broken inside.
A lot of people dread getting older, I mean, I’m not exactly thrilled about it but it’s inevitable so no sense in being upset over it. Age has become just a number to me. It has proven to me that life doesn’t wait until you’re ‘older’ for things to happen to you, they happen whenever the universe is damn well and ready to. We don’t get a say in what happens to us but we do get a say in how we handle it. I always imagined turning 40 to look so very different. Certainly, didn’t think I’d enter my 40’s as a widow who feels like a lost puppy half the time.
So many people tell me how great I’m doing, how nice it is to see me smile again, or to see me doing better. If only they knew how exhausting all of that was to portray. I’m severely broken inside and desperately trying to piece myself together. Like Cam said, “I’ve been sleep walkin, been wanderin all night. Tryin to take what’s lost and broken and make it right”. I’ve been in this haze of life, where nothing feels real. I’m in a constant state of numbness. I can’t unsee what I’ve seen and I can’t unhear what I’ve heard. I’m flooded with raw emotions every day. Like a Tsunami hits me and I’m grasping on to anything and everything I can to not be swept away. I’m holding on by a thread every damn day but I’ll do everything in my power to not show it to the world.
I’ve done the blame game, the guilt train and the why me dance around for the past 16 months. I’ve been to the darkest depths of hell and clawed my way out. I’ve experienced feelings and emotions that are uncomfortable and uncanny. I’ve allowed myself to suffer in ways, no human should put themselves through. I’ve replayed and relived those final moments (and then some) over and over in my head. Like I said, they can’t be unseen. This is something that will never go away. I will never forget what it was like running down the street in the middle of the night. I will never forget what it was like hearing that gunshot ring out across the neighborhood stopping me dead in my tracks. I’ll never forget the pit in my stomach when I came around the corner and found him. The horror and chaos that ensued. These are things I will carry with me for the rest of my life. These are the moments that broke me as a person.
Grief is something that never goes away. Some days it’s just louder than others. Some days it keeps me in bed, other days it propels me out into the world. No matter the day, grief is coming with me. It’s a part of me; always in the back of my mind and the bottom of my heart.
The fact is, I can’t undo what has happened. I can’t go back in time and change any of it. What’s done is done and now I’m left to learn how to live with this mess. It’s a beautiful mess but a mess nonetheless. Trying to find those glimmers of hope. Trying to hold on to any last memento. Trying to symbolize every random thing that happens. Trying to get people to understand me.
You know that’s another part of grief they don’t tell you about. How many people will take your healing process personally. I like to heal alone. I always have and always will. Living this unimaginable nightmare has heightened those times a million. I want to be alone to feel my emotions, to just be with them and process what is happening. I like solitude to recharge and refresh myself. I want less noise from people and less stress. Sometimes that means I have to remove myself from certain situations and I’m learning that that is OK too. Not everyone will understand my healing process, not everyone will accept it but that is not for me to worry about.
Turning 40 is a milestone for me. It’s where I embrace this chaos, grab it by the horns and say ‘I’ve been waiting for you’. It will be the time that I finally live my life as unapologetically and authentically as I can be. Where I chose to love myself harder than I’ve ever loved me before. I tried so hard to keep Tim alive, I realize that he would want me to fight just as fiercely for myself now.. This is the chapter where I take my life back. The forest has burnt down all around me but where there is fire, always comes new growth.
I’ve come to accept that I will NEVER be the same person I was before this tragedy. She is gone. I am now learning to accept the newer version of me and I’m discovering more about her each and every day. I’m finding that people can and do change. We evolve as we experience life. With each day comes a lesson... some lessons I wish I didn’t have to endure but they teach me something nonetheless. I’m also learning how to let myself feel joy again. Allowing certain people to bring me happiness and remind myself that it’s OK to feel these things. I’ve carried the negative emotions around for so long, it’s like I almost forgot what the positive emotions were. As I feel them creep back in, they scare me a little but the warmth of them helps ease the pain.
My life did not go according to plan. This has now also made me really embrace spontaneity and be present so much more. We can’t really plan for the future, because we don’t know if we will actually be here in the future. Anything can happen. So when opportunities arise that I would have passed on in my previous life, I tend to say yes to in this new chapter. I’m learning to say yes to so many things, things I didn’t think I would ever. I’m learning how to soak up all the good moments and not emphasize the bad. I’m learning how to slowly, very slowly, allow myself to feel happiness from others. I’m still very guarded and cold but I’m finally starting to see the glimmers of hope that shine through the cracked broken pieces of me.
If you’ve made it this far, I applaud you. It’s 2am on a Tuesday morning and my brain was racing and I had to get it out of me. Thank you for taking this journey with me. Thank you for allowing me the space to so openly share my life and feelings, without judgement. I’ll wrap this up with a few quotes below that really hit home. Whether the beginning of my journey or the present moment, they’ve resonated with me in some way shape or form.
If you are grieving, no matter what type of loss, please know that you aren’t alone and that your feelings are valid. It’s OK not to be OK.
Comentarios