Death Changed Me

Death changes people, all kinds of death and all kinds of people. Changed, forever.   

I am learning that widows are a different breed. Especially the young widows. Death changes them immensely. Death sure as hell changed me. I’ve also acquired this opinion based on other widow’s that I know. As a widow, I now require a different level of emotional awareness from others. For my situation, my husband departed this earth by his choice. It was traumatic, hard, confusing, exhausting, heartbreaking and so many other things. It changed me as a person. I mean, obviously I’m still Kristy Coleman by default but inside, I’m not the same Kristy I was 9 ½ months ago. I’m different. Some good different, some not so good different. Many changes have occurred, certainly emotionally and mentally. A lot of harsh realizations. Extreme awareness, with myself and others. New fears, some old ones stronger. Triggers that I never had before. Lack of confidence and security. Big feelings of loss... of my husband, of myself and the future. Needing medication to just get through the day, that’s a new one. Experiencing things I only saw on TV or in the movies, leaving me with severe trauma and post traumatic stress disorder. Never thought I’d say those words. I can cry at the drop of a dime but stop myself so quickly that others don’t always notice. I wear sunglasses inside a lot to hide the fact that I’m on the verge of crying many times a day. Sometimes I don’t even know why. Occasionally I allow myself to feel everything, every bit of emotion. I let it run through my body as I sob uncontrollably. I’ve learned when it’s good to release tears and when it’s needed to keep them in. A skill I never thought I’d have to learn. Some days as I drive I let out a deep rooted, from the depths of my soul scream while I’m driving, just to release the pressure. Also suggested by my therapist. It feels good, she was not wrong. Often times I’m sitting in a room full of people but either not hearing a thing they are saying or hearing too much of what they are saying and I get over stimulated. I’m sensitive to large crowds and loud noises, something that wasn’t ever a thing before. I get anxiety at the thought of leaving the house, but I’m usually fine once I do. I can’t stay places for too long because my panic starts to creep in, for no real reason. That’s annoying too... to feel something and you have no idea why or how.  So yea, I’d say it’s safe to say that death changed me and it’s very important for people to know that.  

On the flip side, death has forced me to learn how to heal myself. It has forced me to learn to relive and relearn. Death has taught me that moments are important, all of them, good and bad. Loss has taught me that we are never promised tomorrow (and this really scares the shit out of me). We never know when our time will come and because of this, it’s allowed me to become a gentler person, a more loving person, with a kinder soul. I don’t want to feel like I’m in the depths of hell everyday, I don’t want to question how I’m going to get through the day. I certainly don’t want to be depressed for the rest of my life, gosh, I’m tired. But death has also showed me how people suffer. It has showed me why people give up. It exposed me to a side of life I never imagined. 

Death has changed me. It’s made me stronger than I ever wanted to be. It’s taught me that I could do hard things, even if I don’t want to. It’s showed me that life goes on, regardless of how I feel or what I’m going through. It’s taught me who was really in my corner and who only pretended to be. Death has given me a totally different perspective of life and a real look at mine. Death has given me courage to keep going, to keep trying, to not give up. Death has connected me with some amazing people, under horrible circumstances but that I’m grateful for every day. Death crushed me into a million pieces, but it’s also teaching me how to rebuild; from the inside out this time. Healing fucking hurts sometimes but I’m healing nonetheless.  

Again, yes, death changes people. If you haven’t experienced it yet, you are fortunate, for one day you will. When you see someone that is grieving, remind yourself that they didn’t want any of this to happen. Remind yourself that they had no say in it. If they are acting differently, grant them some grace; Let them process. On their terms, on their time, through their choices; because death changes people, sometimes forever.