It's been some time since I posted and I felt an experience from yesterday was worth discussing. I recently participated in a questionnaire for people with ITP. As most of you know, I am loud 📣 and proud about having a voice with ITP. I want people to feel heard, I want people to know they aren't alone, I want to connect and just learn as much as possible. I'm fairly comfortable talking about the topic almost anywhere. Heck, I do a variety of support groups, I make reels on Instagram, I recently created a Facebook group; I can certainly talk about ITP! 💜
However, yesterday... during my 90 minute questionnaire, we covered many things. How were you diagnosed? What happened? How did you feel? What treatment have you tried? Some questions were very specific that I really had to think about them and in addition to that thinking... I began FEELING! ❌ Those close to me know, I'm not so great with feeling. I often feel for other people deeply but when it comes to myself, that is a big no thank you! Inside, my mind was saying 🙅🏻♀️ ABORT MISSION!!! But I continued to relive my experience. I continued to describe what my body went through. I continued to express my worry and stress. I continued to share the emotional and mental struggle 🤯 I thought I was doing really well... then they asked the final 3 questions and this one... this one got me; "have you ever worried or stressed over losing your job due to having ITP".. suddenly my eyes swelled up and I choked on my words and barely squeezed out, "Yes, very much so." 😭
Fortunately, it was the last set of questions and I was able to get it together to thank her for her time and interest in the ITP Community. I hung up the phone and started bawling 🙈 Was it all the questions that got to me? Was it that specific question? Why was I upset? I have a decent handle on my ITP and I'm trying to live to the best of my ability, why the tears? [[Side note: I would like to add, I'm very fortunate to have an understanding and compassionate boss. Through my diagnosis and treatment, I've had great support. However, I am a one person income so the thought of losing my job and the severe impact it would have on me while I battled ITP is terrifying. Not all employers care, I'm forever thankful that mine does.]]
Now back to these feelings... why the tears? 🤷🏻♀️ Perhaps because ITP is scary? Being diagnosed rocked my entire world, in more ways than one. I thought I had worked through that though. I use my voice, I go to therapy, I surround myself with likeminded individuals, I try to release what I can't control... It really bothered me that I was so bothered LOL Then I saw this phrase and realized...It's OK to still cry over things you thought you moved past.
I still get anxiety before any blood test. I worry when I notice sudden bruising. I feel sad when I remember the dark place I was in after diagnosis. I cry tears for many reasons... and that's OK. I may never get to a point in my journey where this gets better, I may feel deeply for the rest of my life... BUT that is OK too!
If nothing else, it reminded me that feelings are important. They say you have to feel it to heal it but I'm not sure that's always true. Sometimes you just have to feel it... whether healing happens or not, recognizing your feelings is important. The good, the bad, the ugly. They are all OK! Life is full of speed humps, they may slow us down from time to time but they also help create awareness.
Keep up the good fight my ITP Warriors... you are stronger than you realize!
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