I could never put into words what I actually feel on a daily basis, it's almost impossible for anyone to understand all the things. I will say though, it's been a rough few weeks.
Reality is starting to set in more and more each day. It’s as if the fog is very slowly lifting and I’m finally seeing what has really happened. I keep having this awful reoccurring dream where Tim faked his death and came back. Then I wake up to realize, it was just a dream but a dream that felt so real. A dream that I so badly wish was reality. A dream I ask the universe why. A dream that will never be real. My husband isn’t ever coming back and that pains me to my core.
Getting out of bed has been extra hard lately because obviously, I’m not sleeping well and I just feel this deep down to the core sadness. When I look at my stupid feelings wheel to help me better identify what is making me sad; it breaks sadness down to the following: Ashamed (embarrassed or guilty), Lonely (isolated or abandoned), Hurt (wronged or injured), Grief (sorrow or despair), Depressed (empty or discouraged), and Unhappy (miserable or hopeless). Welp, looks like I pretty much feel all the sadness. All the sadness while the world continues to spin and the sun continues to rise and people carry on with daily lives. I’m here… so damn sad.
Something new I haven’t shared with many people is that I made the decision in December 2022 to quit drinking. I wasn’t an everyday drinker, I wasn’t counting down the minutes of work that I could have that drink but I was however, the girl that couldn’t have, just one drink. I was using drinking as a coping mechanism to get through life. I wanted to escape, I wanted to check out and not feel the emotions. You don’t realize how much you’ve been masking the pain, until you can’t mask it anymore. I hate feelings. Never liked them. Always pushed them deep down. Didn’t talk about my feelings. Everything was fine all the time. Then when I quit drinking I realized how NOT fine, I really was. My therapist suggested I get myself a feelings wheel so that I can better understand what is causing a certain feeling; why am I sad, why am I angry, why am I surprised, etc. It sounded silly and something that you would give a small child as they learned about feelings and emotions but I bought it anyways. I actually carry it in my purse with me because sometimes I just need to check myself. Something they don’t tell you right away in AA is that not only are you going to start feeling again but you’re going to start feeling 10x more and 10x harder. It was a rough start but I have almost 11 months under my belt now and a much clearer head (we can talk about that another time). The fact that I have not picked up one drink during all this whirlwind of Tim passing is beyond me. It’s a freakin miracle to be honest. Because boy do I feel… I feel soooo much. And man, does it hurt. But he supported me big time when I made this decision. He was supportive, open and compassionate to what I was going through and feeling.
Now back to the stupid feelings… I can feel them deep in me. I mean deeeep in me. I’m sure my root and sacral chakras are both pretty blocked right now with minimal even flow. But how do you get out of that? My whole life I was the go getter. I just did and I just do. Need help with a party? Sure, I’m on it. Need me to call that customer right now? Got you covered. I am a quick reactor (not always responder) and I just did what I had to because that’s how I was raised. Do what you gotta do and keep pushing forward or as my mother would say – take the high road LOL So why can’t I do that now? Why does waking up feel so dreadful? Why do I feel like I have to peel myself off the bed? Force myself to brush my teeth, force myself to prepare for the day, force myself to go through the motions. It sounds silly I’m sure but I just don’t want to. I know we all have to do things we don’t want to but I like reeeeeaaaally don’t want to.
As I sit here on the 26th of October, it marks exactly 4 months since Tim left this earth. Four months ago my world imploded. Four months ago he walked out that front door and never came back. Four months ago, my forever plus one was gone. Four months ago I lost my soul mate. No wonder I’m so sad I suppose. I’m being told that I may be sad for a very long time. I just need to figure out how to live in that sadness, if that makes sense?
I’m starting to be reminded that things are hard and going to get harder. If I had known last Thanksgiving was going to be our last, I would have done it differently. If I would have known I’d spend Christmas without him this year, I would have taken more pictures last year. If I would have known I’d never kiss him again at midnight… I would have kissed him so much longer. A thousand moments that I had taken for granted, mainly because I thought I’d have a thousand more.
I’ve also started reading the book ‘It’s OK that you’re not OK’ by Megan Devine. It has helped me feel a bit justified and validated in my feelings. She talks about the realness and rawness that comes with loss. Grief is so hard and everyone does it differently. I’m finding that the emptiness I feel in my soul isn’t going to go away so I need to find ways to live with it. I’m not the same person I was before Tim took his life… It has forever changed me, in so many ways. I miss him so incredibly much and talk to him everyday and even still think I might wake up to him next me… not realistic I know but I wish heaven wasn’t so far away..
In the meantime, I ask the Universe with open arms and an open heart to grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Below is a page from Megan's Book and a picture of my feelings wheel. You can find them both on Amazon ☺️
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