The holiday season is known as the most wonderful time of the year and for most that is the case but for many it’s a very hard time of year (myself included). This is the second holiday season without Tim and things look very different than holidays past. Not only do we miss our loved ones that are no longer here, but we grieve all the things they are missing out on. Last year I was a zombie; disassociate, depressed and empty. It was the worst holiday season of my life. This year, while things are still different, I’m learning that grief and joy can coexist. I find myself crying and laughing all at the same time.
For the longest time, and still sometimes, I feel like I can’t be happy. How can I be happy without my husband? How can I enjoy all these life things without his presence? I simply could not. It broke my heart to think about being happy without him. In this second year, I’m feeling the heaviness of him being gone. The grief fog has lifted and the reality has set in. I think the hardest part is realizing that life continues on, while I’m still grieving. The world keeps turning and people keep going on with their lives and I'm still feeling the heartache of him being gone. However, I’m learning that I can still grieve and miss him but try to enjoy the glimmers in the holiday season.
While life looks very different these days, I’m realizing that it’s okay to feel joy along with my grief. It’s okay to enjoy the bittersweet moments of life. The moments that make me smile, yet I still wish he were here. The moments that make me laugh, but would be funnier if he was in the room. The days that feel a little lighter, but my heart still feels heavy without him. This year as much as I just wanted the holidays to be over, I knew I couldn’t skip them all together. I have family and friends that love me dearly and staying home alone isn’t really an option. While I’m sad, I don’t want to miss out on creating memories with the people that have loved me so hard during my life.
The holidays are different this year, they’ll forever be different but grief and joy can coexist. I’m reminded that tomorrow isn’t promised so try to soak up the love that surrounds me. I find that I’m so very sad inside but the people I surround myself with help bring a smile to my face. This year has been a year of new things. New traditions, trying new events, experiencing new joys. Despite how heavy my heart is, regardless of how much I miss the hell out of him, I can find little glimmers in each day. Glimmers of hope, glimmers of joy and glimmers of happiness are all around me. I’m worthy of feeling all the things. It doesn’t take away from my joy, that I’m alone inside. I know I’m surrounded by people I love, though I can sometimes still feel very alone in a room full of people. However, while I’m feeling this way inside, I’m trying so very hard to embrace the joy. Learning that feeling joy doesn’t take away from my grief... they can and they do coexist.
Often times during the holiday season we focus so much on the stuff. The gifts, the food, the toys, the goodies, all the things. While that is okay, I’m really realizing that all that stuff doesn’t really matter to me anymore, it’s just stuff. What matters the most to me is creating memories, embracing the change and soaking up the glimmers. I know many enjoy all the things about the holiday season, but one thing I think we take for granted is our time. The time with people we love, the time with people that bring us joy, the time with people that make this life worth living. This year, I’m focused much less on all the stuff and more invested in the people I share my days with.
Tomorrow is never promised. I’m learning to say yes more, even if it makes me uncomfortable. I’m learning to be present more, instead of disassociating from all of reality. I’m learning to focus on what is in front of me right now, instead of worrying about all the dishes in the sink that wait for me at home. Be present my friends. Be in the moment. Take all the pictures, eat the cake, do the things. The only things we are guaranteed in this life is death... it’s something that will happen to all of us, it’s just a matter of when. So until then, try to love on the people who love you. Try to not worry about all the extra “stuff” that bring us stress and worry. Allow yourself to just sit and be. Be in the moment, be present, be willing to let the joy in.
Whether you’re grieving or not, focus on the now. Take a look around you, the people that have stood by your side, the people that have been there for you, the people that try to lift you up when you’re feeling down. Those are the glimmers. Those are the joys that keep us going. Yes, life is forever changed for me but this doesn’t mean I can never feel joy again. It’s a hard process and tough lesson to learn but slowly I’m accepting that grief and joy can coexist.
This holiday season I challenge you to focus on the people and create memories of a lifetime because one day, that will be all we have... memories of times past. Don’t be too hard on yourself for feeling happy, don’t beat yourself up for finding joy in the chaos. It’s okay. It doesn’t mean we love any less, it doesn’t mean they are forgotten, it just means that we are surviving what we never thought possible.
Find the glimmers. Embrace the people. Allow yourself to be present. Focus on today and let tomorrow worry about itself. While it seems foreign some days; my grief and joy are learning to live together and yours can too.
Wishing you peace, happiness and great memories this holiday season. You can do hard things.
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