Dec 10, 20234 min read

Grief Guide to Surviving the Holidays

If you are like me and grieving this holiday season, I am giving you a huge virtual hug right now. This is no easy feat but we must get through it. With the sadness in our hearts, the emptiness in our souls, our quiet homes and many tears, we must get through. But how? How do we survive the holidays while feeling so alone, empty and sad? Well, I’m here to share some things I found on the good ol’ interweb that I thought were worth sharing. Grief is hard, then add the holidays and BOOM even harder! However, together, we will navigate this forever winding road.

First and foremost (and this is coming from me not the interweb); don’t ever let someone tell you how to feel and don’t ever feel bad for your feelings. This is YOUR path, you do it YOUR way.

Now, from the good ol’ interweb:

SAY NO A LOT:

Really. People will tell you to say yes to things, to get you out more, to be social. But if “being social” gives you the hives, why on earth would you do that? Remember that “no” is a complete sentence. You can say “no, thank you” if you must say more.

CHOOSE YOUR GATHERINGS CAREFULLY:

If you choose to attend a party or an event, choose wisely. Sometimes a crowd is easier than a small gathering because you can slip out unnoticed as you need to.

FIND COMPANIONSHIP:

Or find ways to be alone-together with others. Companionship, reflection and connection are vital parts of surviving grief. Things like musical offerings, candlelight meditations or services – check local newspapers and community websites to see what’s going on in your area.

VOLUNTEER:

It’s an “acceptable” reason for not attending family obligations and also a way you can serve others in your own quiet way.

CHECK IN WITH YOURSELF:

Not just for events and gatherings, but for every single moment of life: check in with yourself. Take a minute to breath, one good inhale/exhale and ask yourself how you’re doing. Ask yourself what you need. Give yourself what you need in that moment.

CONSENT IS IMPORTANT IN ALL THINGS:

If someone consistently tries to talk you out of your “no” you can call them out on their coercion: “I keep telling you no, and you keep trying to convince me I’m wrong. I need you to respect my decision”. Friends and family get to feel disappointed in your no, but they don’t get to force you to say yes.

MAKE NEW RITUALS:

Rituals are living things. They shift and change, just as life does. Allow yourself to let go of expectation and tradition. This is not a normal time. Your rituals can (and maybe should), reflect your new reality.

HAVE A PLAN BEFORE YOU GO OUT:

Before you go to a party or an event or out to run an errand, be sure to figure out your exit plan. Give yourself an out, whether that’s a specific time limit or an emotional cue that lets you know it’s time to go . Stick to your plan. (Kristy side note: take your own car. I learned this the hard way and was at a function longer than I was comfortable. Don’t leave yourself without an out, drive yourself. Then you can leave whenever you’re good and ready).

LEAVE WHENEVER YOU WANT (Guess I should have read ahead LOL):

Please remember that this is your life. You do not have to do anything that feels bad or wrong or horrifying. Even if you agreed to participate in something, you can change your mind at any time. Stop whatever you’re doing and go home whenever you want.

I think all of these are great tips to help survive the holidays, no matter how you’re grieving or where you are in your grief journey. Also, please remember, we all grieve differently. What it looks like for you may not be what it looks like for someone else, and that’s OK. Don’t assume or judge a person by how they are handling what is probably the hardest time of their life. And if you do find people assuming and judging... SCREW EM’! Your true friends and family will be there to support you. It’s very true what they say, you find out who your friends are... Grief has opened my eyes so wide, I’d almost rather not see certain things. However, I must keep going.

Side note on the tips above, I’m starting a new ritual this year; I told my sister the only way I was staying over on Christmas Eve was if we could all wear matching jammies. Because my sister is amazing, supportive and cool AF, she agreed. This will be our new Christmas Ritual.

Tim will forever live in my heart (in our hearts), my memories and my breath. Though he may not be physically here any longer, I take him with me every day. I ask him for support and strength to help me just get through it. Our loved ones may have passed on but their memories will never fade.

This is YOUR journey, don’t feel bad for doing it how YOU want. People will understand or they won’t and either way, you gotta do you boo!

Also, I’m fairly certain that the above suggestions came from Megan Divine, if you haven’t heard of her, check her out. She has a book called ‘It’s OK that you’re not OK’ and it’s become my bible on this grief journey. She also does Podcasts and all that fun stuff.

Now let’s travel with the ghosts of Christmas Past

Our last Christmas together 2022