Losing anyone is hard. I've experienced a lot of loss in my life; family, friends, co-workers, pets, etc. but nothing has ever compared to the loss of a spouse. Then to add suicide loss on top of it takes things to a whole new level. It truly is something you cannot understand unless you're in it or have been through it. Most of the time I can't really explain how I feel to others and I know that can be difficult on the receiving end but it's just a jumble of emotions that most of the time I can't even make sense of.
I'm sure you've all seen the stages of grief, heck, I've talked about it even with my ITP. However, since losing Tim... those stages make zero sense. You THINK you have a road map of how you'll feel, what emotions you'll go through, how to process, etc. But then when it happens, there's no real path. It's now been 2 1/2 months and I thought I'd be feeling different or "better" but it's like I've gone backwards. Things are now becoming more real, the haze and daze is lifting and I'm realizing my life will never be the same again.
When Tim would have manic episodes or fall deep into dark depression, I would always remind him that I never want to do life without him... ever. I knew of his struggles when I married him and I married him anyways. I love him more than life itself (he always told me this too). Now, here I am, doing life alone. Yes, I have a great support system but reality is, I'm a 38 year old widow who lost her husband to suicide and I feel like my identity is lost. I don't have him physically here anymore. I still talk to him everyday and I know he is around but I miss him so very much.
With those stages of grief, they are irrelevant to suicide loss of my husband. Like the picture shows, this is what we think and this is what we get.
I've always been a homebody but now it's stronger than ever. I prefer to be home. This is where I'm safe, this is where my husband is and where my puppy is. Just the simple thought of leaving the house gives me so much anxiety that can often lead to panic attacks. I'm working with several therapists to try and help me get through these feelings but I don't know how long that will take. When I do get out, it's as if I'm not even present. Like I'm going through the motions, my body is there but my mind is somewhere else, complete disassociation. I've been told this can last for quite sometime. I've often been a go getter and like most humans want instant results. I'm finally realizing, that isn't going to happen. This journey that I'm on is going to take time. How much time? I don't know.
Lately I've been feeling extreme heaviness. Am I entering a new stage of grief? Maybe, but I can't really explain it. I want to be alone 95% of the time and I'm ok with that. I know that my support system wants to be there for me and a lot of the time I feel bad if I say no but it's OK to say no. Some will get it and some won't. I'm learning that I've been a caretaker for a long time and always wanting to help those around me and right now, I really need to take care of myself. Whatever that looks like. Because if I'm being honest (which I'm pretty transparent in these posts), I haven't been taking the best care of myself. This is another thing I'm working with my therapists on, how to take care of me and for once, try not to worry about those around me. However, it's hard. Tim's passing didn't just effect me, it effected so many others as well. I worry about those others. How they are grieving, how they are feeling, what they are doing to get through. I have to learn that I can still be worried about them but not to the point where I stop worrying about me.
I never ever in a million years thought this would happen to me. I'm trying so hard to use social media to create awareness around such a sensitive topic but lately I wonder if it's disrupting my healing. More than anything I want to share our story, share the struggles my husband faced day in and day out, how I coped with his illness as his wife, how we need to break the cycle of mental health. I want to scream it from the rooftops and most of the time when I find that small time frame in the day that I feel OK - I'll make a video and I'll write a post or share some memories but once that camera turns off, I'm falling apart again. It makes my heart feel good to spread awareness and share our story but at the same time, I feel like I'm giving off the impression that I'm handling all of this so well but I'm not. It's hard. Waking up is hard but I have to make an income, walking the dog is hard but she needs to stay active, sometimes even taking a shower is hard but I do it. I don't know how I'm doing it. I don't know how people do this. I'm sure you've all heard that saying about, I didn't have a choice, I had to do what I had to do in order to survive. That's me... in survival mode right now. Seeing multiple therapists, doing intense PTSD/Trauma therapy, joining support groups, grasping on to anything that might just help me.
I know this was a long one and if you've gotten this far, I thank you for listening. If you're in my circle, please know that nothing is personal; when I want to be alone or I cancel plans or I can't commit to something, it's not you... it's me. I'm learning to live again and it's killin me (figuratively of course). I've been one to process on my own and I know not everyone understands that but this is my journey. The good, the bad, the ugly. I know it will get a little easier one day but right now... I'm empty and trying to figure it all out.
Home Team baby cakes... for always <3
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