“One thing I have learned about deep grief is that we all become good at faking it.
Saying “OK” when asked how we are, which is just a big lie.
Smiling that false smile until our faces feel like they will crack shatter explode.
One thing I have learned about deep grief is that we all become experts at crying alone.”
Some people believe that grief gets easier after the funeral, memorial service or celebration of life is done. It’s quite the opposite. The hard work of grief is often just beginning after the last casserole is gone and everyone else goes back to their “normal” lives and home...No one ever healed from grief after saying to themselves, “Oh well, it happened for a reason” or “It was their time”. The healing starts when we sit with the pain and tears on the difficult days. The healing starts when we face our grief head on and this takes courage.
Many people don’t like or want to ‘feel’ their feelings or emotions. They find it easier to stuff them down, somewhere deep inside and continue moving through the hustle and bustle that is life. It’s not that they don’t care, they just don’t always know HOW to feel or find the ‘time’. It’s not something that was widely taught back in the day or even accepted in some cultures. You pick yourself up by the bootstraps and keep going. However, I’m here to tell you from experience, the more you stuff, the more you push down, the more you keep going without acknowledging your hard feelings and emotions, the more likely they will just come out of you one day. On a day you least expect it, out of nowhere, your body will no longer be able to hold the space for your unprocessed feelings and emotions and you will overflow. You will overflow and there will not be a damn thing you can do about it. You will cry like you’ve never cried before. You will hurt as if your world has shattered. You will feel like there is nothing good in this world. You will break, but not forever. Everything is temporary but if you don’t process or address your feelings and emotions when they come up, it will have a long-term effect on you.
Now I’m not saying that you have to sit every day and process your emotions and cry and feel sorry for yourself. What I am saying is that when an emotion arises, it’s important to address it. The world is full of triggers. Every time I leave my house I prepare myself for a trigger that inevitably will occur. Whether it’s a song playing overhead at the store, an elderly couple holding hands, a home decor piece, or just a simple conversation with someone in line at the checkout. I’ve gotten better at not letting my emotions flow in public, but what I do now instead is come home and feel them. Whatever that looks like. Sometimes I just sit with my feelings, I acknowledge if I’m sad or lonely (get yourself a feelings wheel, these will help with processing how you truly feel). I might pull out a coloring book and color while I think about what just happened or why I felt triggered. Sometimes there may be tears as my mind and body process the emotions and feelings, but not always. Some days I wonder why this has all happened, so I take out my journal to jot down words, phrases or even whole paragraphs; just to get it out of my head and body. Recognizing and feeling is a huge step in the healing process of grief. We can’t just ignore that our heart is aching. I mean, you can try but I don’t recommend it. Someone we loved dearly was ripped away from us and that is not easy to deal with. It’s understandable to not want to deal with it but it’s not advisable.
Grief and healing can become a very lonely place. As I mentioned above, everyone goes back to their lives, while yours is forever changed. However, in those moments of loneliness, desperation, sadness, and confusion; you can find yourself again. In those quiet moments when it’s just you, FEEL all the things. Think about how you may be able to make them better. I hate to break it to you but grief never goes away, however, healing is very much possible. Remind yourself that healing doesn’t mean we forget our loved ones. Healing means, we nurture ourselves and our souls so that the grief isn’t as heavy to carry. It can and will get lighter. Grief will still be very much there, just not like a ton of bricks weighing you down. BUT you cannot heal if you do not feel. Healing is done from the inside. It’s the inner work that we put into ourselves to forgive ourselves, to better understand ourselves, to remind us that we are and will be okay.
For many of us we appear fine on the outside. The outer shell is smiling, the body is moving out in public, the smile is big in photos but please do not mistake this for us being ‘fine’. We are learning to live through grief. We are trying to bring some normalcy back to our lives without feeling guilty for moving forward. Notice how I said forward and not on. Someone shared this with me and it made sense... we are not moving on from our loved one, we are trying to move forward. We are trying to form this new life without them, we are trying to figure things out and find ourselves again, in a forward motion. If you rest you rust, so keep moving forward.
Grief will forever be a part of us. The memories, the missed events, the milestones of life... we will constantly miss our person. However, I’m learning that it’s okay to slowly start moving forward. I know for a fact that Tim wouldn’t want me sedentary and sad. So, I’m gradually finding ways for me to move forward, while still keeping his memory and purpose alive.
Grief is a path we walk, not a place we stay. We learn how to coexist with it. It’s not a detour from normal. Grief is normal. It’s a normal response to a profound loss. It’s an inevitable human experience, process and lifelong, ever-changing journey. It’s now and forever will be a part of our life. It’s just a matter of how you handle that part. I encourage you to do the inner work. Seek out support groups, find a therapist, find a hobby to honor your loved one, anything to help you heal. We all heal differently and what works for some may not work for all. Find your healing place, feel your feelings, allow yourself the space to do so. Give yourself the respect, kindness and support that you would anyone else going through grief. I promise you, it will be better in the long run.
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