Healing: (noun) the process of making or becoming sound or healthy again
Era: (noun) a long and distinct period of history with a particular feature or characteristic, a system of chronology dating from a particular noteworthy event
A couple weeks ago, I woke up and felt the tension in my body, the shortness in my breath, the aching emptiness in my heart and decided I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I don’t want to feel trapped by my emotions, controlled by my fears, paralyzed by the unknown and lost in life. So very lost in life. I feel as if I take two steps forward just to take three steps back. I look in the mirror and touch my face in disbelief that it’s me. Who are you? What are you doing with yourself? When I ask myself these questions, it leads me down a rabbit hole of all the work I haven’t been doing for myself. I’ve quit putting in the extra work to heal, and instead have just been surviving. I’m ready to get out of survival mode. I’m ready to heal. I’m ready to pour back into my cup, to put myself first, to pay attention to my needs and allow myself whatever it needs to take my power back.
I’ve been stagnant. Going through the motions without any real purpose. Overwhelmed by the emotions of life and reeling at the fact my life was flipped upside down. Yes, it’s been 14 months and yes, I still very much feel like my world is upside down and inside out. Every single day. But, I’m ready to calm the inner storm. I’m ready to tap into that inner peace I know so well. I’m ready to focus on loving myself a little bit better. Healing looks different on everyone. What it looks like for me, is probably not what it looks like for you. That’s the beauty in the journey; it’s ours and ours alone. I’m also learning that I’m not going to have some magical break through one day that cures all. There are healing moments in each day.
Sometimes healing isn’t always breakthrough moments, it’s:
The noticing of feeling of safety within
The noticing the ability to feel joy, happiness, love
The noticing your inhales feel deeper, freer, easier
The noticing your body feels softer
The noticing that your mind is quieter
The noticing that you’re deeply present in your life
The noticing that you’ve room, space, expanse
The noticing that your feelings now have a voice
The noticing that your life makes more sense
The noticing that you feel like you finally belong
Healing doesn’t mean forgetting what happened. It means we are no longer being controlled by it.
In grief, we are forced to accept a life that was handed to us without our consent. Thrown at us, without even asking. It makes sense that we would be struggling with feelings of denial, disbelief, and shock. Acceptance can happen in stages and it doesn’t always look peaceful. Sometimes we reach acceptance kicking and screaming and that’s OK. Sometimes we may never feel acceptance, and that’s OK too.
I am making a decision to move forward (not to be confused with moving on, two very different things). It won’t happen automatically. It’s not going to be overnight. I will have to rise up and say, “I don’t care how hard this is, I don’t care how disappointed I am, I’m not going to let this get the best of me.” You must make up your mind that no matter what comes your way, no matter how difficult, no matter how unfair, you will do more than simply survive. You will thrive in spite of it all. I’ve been in survival mode for so long now. I’m ready to let it go...
Some days (ok most days), I’ll need to sit with my feelings before I can work through them. I need to remember that, “I don’t feel like it” is a valid response and “no” is a complete sentence. However, not to be used in a form of avoidance. I must still face these emotions and this new path with my head held high. I can do hard things.
On my road to healing, I will and have fallen a lot. I just let myself stay down too long this last time. I let myself get distracted with the day to day life and have put little care into myself, in many ways. This is a pivotal moment in my healing journey. Recognizing the part I’ve played, owning my shit and try to do better when I can. Not every day is going to be a good day, but not every day will be a bad one either.
Grief is exhausting. From the emotional stress, lack of sleep, erratic eating, overwhelming complexity and being numb; grief really takes a toll on a person. Learning to not be so hard on myself and allow my body to rest when it needs is another part of healing. I’ve been filling up my life with busy work. I need to remember resting is an essential part of the healing process and busy work is only OK sometimes. This is not that time, this is the time for me to pick myself up off the floor. The time for me to refocus, regain strength and discipline.
This is my healing era. The good, the bad, the ugly... please be extra patient with me and maybe continue to grant me a little grace. I promise that none of my decisions going forward are personal (except to me). This is my time to figure me out.
The journey continues....
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