Holiday grief can be heavy. It’s a whirlwind of emotions for the entire holiday season, and then some. It’s as if the holidays increase our grief by thousand. All the memories, all the traditions, all the expectorations can make it an extra tough time during your grief journey. Not to mention the secondary losses of our deceased loved ones missing all these important moments. It can be brutal.
Here are a few things to remember this holiday season:
Be gentle and kind to yourself: We are our own worst critics and many times we feel we have to do things to please other people. Grief is an opportunity and a reminder to be gentle and kind with yourself. This journey isn’t about anyone else but you, so be sure to give yourself a little bit of grace along the way. Go easy on yourself.
Don’t place yourself in unnecessary stressful situations: The holidays can be filled with many gatherings, many events, and many people. If any of these cause you stress or anxiety, it’s OK to remove yourself from them or skip them as a whole. Your life and body have been through enough stress and there is no sense in putting yourself through even more.
Try not to worry about ‘what’ might happen if something doesn’t get done: The holidays can bring their own kind of stress, especially if you are usually the host. We spend so much time worrying about the what if’s that we aren’t always allowing ourselves to just be present. Maybe the turkey comes out a little dry, maybe you forgot your decorative place settings, maybe you forget an important ingredient; these things happen. Not just to grievers but to anyone. Try to focus on what is going right and not dwell on what might happen. If you don’t get all the laundry done before company comes, so what, it will be there tomorrow. This is also a good time to delegate duties with friends and family. Take some of the pressure off yourself so that you have less worry over things you may be worried about.
You can feel joy and grief at the same time and still honor past traditions while making new ones: As grievers, especially in the early stages, we can sometimes feel guilty when joy creeps in, as if we aren’t worthy of it. We feel we have to stay in our grief and aren’t allowed to feel joy as well. BUT I’m here to tell you that you can feel grief and joy collectively and still honor your loved with either continuing past traditions or even creating new ones. Whichever you choose, know that it is possible and it’s more than OK to feel joy in your grief journey. Allow yourself those little moments with minimal guilt. Life is continuing all around us and we have to continue as well. So remember, it’s OK to enjoy the moments, the laughs, the company and all the joy that can come during a difficult time.
Our grief doesn’t take a holiday: Many people get a holiday break, whether it be from work, school or even life. But grief takes no holiday breaks. Grief is always with us, every day, every event, every gathering, every action we do, we are carrying our grief with us; we don’t get a break from it. We learn to carry it and some days it can be lighter than others but it never truly goes away. Remember this during the holiday season. You will still hold your grief with you everywhere you go and that is OK.
My biggest reminder again is that it’s OK to say no to get togethers or traditions that don’t serve you. And this is a perfect time to set and own your boundaries. Don’t feel obligated to attend anything, don’t allow others to guilt you in joining festivities, don’t feel like you have to uphold past traditions if they don’t feel right. If you don’t feel good about it inside, if you feel that attending a gathering or meeting with friends will not serve you in the stage you are in, it’s OK to say no, no thank you.
As always, be kind; to yourself and to others. We never know what someone is going through. This is your journey and you do it your way, however you are comfortable. Those that matter won’t mind and those that mind don’t matter. You can do hard things and you will get through this. There may be many tears and emotions that arise but you will get through, I promise. Be kind... especially to yourself.
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