Holiday season is officially upon us and while it’s designated as ‘the most wonderful time of the year’, not everyone loves or looks forward to the holidays. Many people have lost loved ones this year and many years prior. The holidays are a reminder of our secondary loss. We are grieving our person, but also grieving all the things that they’ll be missing out on. All the things they were supposed to be a part of. This can make the holiday season extra heavy and hard for grievers. There is nothing I can say or do that will make the grief go away but my hope is to help it feel a bit lighter.
Over the next week, I wanted to share some tips for those of us grieving, on how to survive the holiday season. Some of these will be my personal tips and some will be tips I’ve snagged from fellow grievers. Combined, to bring you the ultimate grief guide this holiday season.
Let’s get to it...
First and foremost, I want to emphasize that it’s OK to say no thank you to an invite. Not everyone will understand but it’s not about them; you must put yourself first sometimes and if you don’t feel good about something, it’s OK to say no. Please don’t let people guilt you into participating in holiday festivities. Those that love you will understand.
Now that that is out of the way, get yourself a PLAN if you are going to join a social gathering. Maybe a code word with a family member so they know you just need a timeout. I say, “I just need a minute” and this lets my family/friends know to just give me some space, let me walk away, don’t come check on me, just give me a minute. It helps when you start to feel overwhelmed to just walk away sometimes. At lighter occasions I may say, “flamingo” and just walk away. That usually occurs in larger social settings. It’s a quick exit out of whatever conversation I may be in. So think of something you might be able to say to those around you, those close to you, that will let them know you are feeling a bit overwhelmed and just need a timeout.
In having a plan, you also might want to give yourself a time frame. Some people max out at socializing after a certain amount of hours. It can be exhausting to smile, and put a happy face on for others when you are struggling inside. If you’re invited to a holiday event, give yourself a time frame. Something you feel comfortable with. It’s OK to say, “I don’t know how long I will stay but I’ll come by”. Again, those that love you will understand. Some people use socializing as a way to cope. They need to be around people to help them feel better. There is no right or wrong way to do the holiday season. If you are a more social person, I want to remind you to keep checking in with yourself. Be aware of your grief and your feelings at the gathering, you don’t want to overload your nervous system either. Be mindful of your emotions.
The last part of the suggested plan can be to take your own vehicle. This will prevent you from feeling “stuck” when you just want/need to get out. Driving yourself to the holiday festivities puts you back in control in the situation and alleviates the feeling like there’s no way out.
Remember, only you know what you need. And it’s very possible that you may feel completely lost and unsure of what you need this year, that is OK too. The biggest thing is you stay aware of your grief, honor it when you feel it and take care of yourself, above all else.
People may not understand, people may pressure you, people may be disappointed but as I said before, those that love you will understand, however you choose to spend this holiday season.
I will be posting tips every day leading up to Thanksgiving to help us prepare for this time of year, so be sure to come back and see if anything may be helpful.
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