Jul 6, 20239 min read

HOME TEAM BABY!

Updated: Jul 17, 2023

Tim and I had this saying whenever things got tough, HOMETEAM! It was our little reminder to each other that when things got hard or we felt lost, saying home team reminded us that we had each other and that was all that mattered and it would get us through, together.

Please bear with me as I write this…. I never imagined there would come a day where my HOMETEAM was gone. I’ve contemplated what I wanted to share, when I wanted to share, how I would share and what people would think. Then I could hear Tim in my head saying, “fuck what people think! Closed mouths don’t get fed”. He was always right about that one 😊

Tim was SO proud of all I did. He was especially proud of my recent endeavor of writing the patient perspective for RDA. He was my biggest cheerleader and hype man, so it only seems fitting to write about his story.

Some of you may or may not know that Tim struggled with depression most of his life. Long before me, depression ran in his family, he experienced traumatic life events, was forced to grow up way too fast, and to take care of way too many things, things a child should not have to deal with. On our second date, Tim was very open and honest with me that he had depression. I didn’t know too much about depression to be honest, but I saw him with a job, roof over his head, vehicle to drive and I assumed it was mild.

In the beginning stages of our relationship, I tried to educate myself as much as possible about depression. I still didn’t fully understand it but I was always trying to learn more.

About two years into our relationship, Tim was diagnosed with an auto immune, degenerative bone disease called ankylosing spondylitis. This was a tough pill to swallow. We saw a really crappy doctor in Tracy that left him with zero hope on his future. This physical ailment had a great impact on his mental health. Not only was his mind not working at the capacity he wanted it to, his body was now breaking down too.

If you personally knew Tim, you know that he was often seen with a smile on his face. Despite what was going on in his brain and his body he would do what he called ‘turning on the bartender’, to get through social settings. This was exhausting for him. To always pretend to be happy when he was far from it. He could put the mask on very well and when it came off, it broke my heart that I couldn’t help him feel better.

Over the years, his mental and physical state got severely worse. Mentally, his depression worsened, in addition, they diagnosed him with severe bi-polar depressive disorder, PTSD, anxiety, OCD, major depressive disorder and treatment resistant depression. Physically, his AS got worse, he then developed rheumatoid arthritis, neuropathy, and carpal tunnel. We did everything we could to educate ourselves as best we could.

Could you imagine, your mind not working the way it should and then to add on to it, your body breaking down as well. It’s devastating. He was battling from both ends, mentally and physically. He got to a point where Tim no longer felt joy. He no longer felt happiness. He had lost his way and his purpose. But all the while, fighting for answers to get better so that he could be better for me, for us, for our home team. He always fought for me. Tim loved me like I had never been loved in my life. I didn’t know the kind of love that he gave me… he adored me. Everything he did was for me and for our family.

As the years continued on we saw a variety of psychiatrists. This is when I learned first hand how broken our mental health system really is. Doctor’s that would take 10 minutes with him just to write a script and send him on his way. Doctor’s that would change his meds because a new big pharma rep had something new to try. Doctor’s that didn’t work with his therapists to try to find the root cause of his issues. Failed by the system over and over again. Mental health is one of the most underfunded resources in the country and it’s devastating but I’ll save that for a later post.

There are different forms of bi-polar depression, the biggest thing to note about Tim was he never had the high of mania, he experienced the low of mania. Mania is described as “an extremely unstable euphoric or irritable mood along with an excess activity or energy level, rapid thoughts, reckless behavior and sometimes the feeling of invincibility.” So to put it simply… Tim ran on low all the time and when mania would set in, he went low low.

He didn’t choose this life, he didn’t ask for his childhood to be terrible, he didn’t ask for his brain chemistry to be off, however, he DID try to make it better once I was in his life. Together, we navigated through many different psychiatrists, therapists, and treatment methods. Each time, Tim had the hope to just FEEL something. If you’ve never experienced depression, you’ll never fully understand what it’s like. Its unexplainable. After 12 years, there’s still some things I don’t understand.

Throughout our time together Tim was willing to try anything and everything (almost) in regards to mental health treatment, just so that he could feel better and be better. Methods we tried: Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Brain Scans through the Amen Clinic, Esketamine, and even Brain Spotting. All with no relief. At one point, he was deemed treatment resistant. Which means that the doctors we were seeing just couldn’t help him. Mind you, many of these treatment doctors guaranteed us results. They said the success rate was so high and they were certain Tim would start to feel better. They were wrong. Not only were they wrong but once treatment sessions were completed, it was like - OK bye, on to the next! We were just a number and just a dollar sign to them.

Towards the end of 2019, things got really rough for Tim, or rougher I should say. That same year I was diagnosed with my ITP so between the two of us, we were on a rocky boat. Me trying to care for him and him trying to care for me. Tim always did such an amazing job taking care of me. I never questioned his love for me, not ever, not once. He was struggling mentally but managing to push through enough to make sure I was taken care of with my new diagnosis.

During COVID Tim experienced another manic episode. The thing with mania is that he would go into these episodes and then sleep for days on end. The mania exhausted and drained his body. Like a rollercoaster without the high parts…. It’s just even and then that gut wrenching dip that occurs.

Between his mental state and physical limitations, we tried our shot at permanent disability. They denied us twice (which we later found out was normal), so we then hired a lawyer to help us try to achieve this process. He had more than enough documentation to support this claim, it just was going to take some time.

I do want to note that through out these years, he was almost always going to therapy. We had finally found a great psychiatrist after many many horrible ones. However, they had him on so many meds that we never knew what was helping or hurting. Tim took as much as 13 medications a day for his mental state alone, on top of the medications for his physical disabilities. If you aren’t wealthy, you really can’t fight the system. Regardless of how many times they fail you, you’re pretty much helpless.

In 2021, Tim reached a point where he didn’t want to live anymore. He stated this before but he was deeply feeling it more now. He had what his therapist referenced as suicide ideations, where they didn’t think he would act out he just had thoughts of it. He had no joy, he had no happiness, he had no feelings about life. Zero feelings for the most part. He had no reason to get up every morning – what was it all for?

Then in 2022, we enrolled him in a treatment center in Southern California, Casa Recovery, that promised us they were equipped to handle mental illness. After being there a few days, we quickly realized they absolutely were not equipped for mental health problems. BUT Tim still stuck it out with hopes that something would help him. He stayed there for 2 months and then came home. Tim was disappointed in his journey there and as his spouse, I was irate that they promised something and didn’t deliver.

This past year was a rollercoaster for Tim. He felt like he had exhausted all of his resources and didn’t know why he even would get up everyday. He always reminded me that I was the best thing in his life and that I saved him from a world of pain. Unfortunately, he was still in pain and I couldn’t take that way. Tim even began working with our local NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Illness) on educating high school kids about mental illness. I thought this was his calling, I thought that this would give him a sense of purpose. Sadly, the demons that were in his head were much louder than my love for him ever could be.

In the early morning hours of Monday June 26th, 2023 in a manic episode, the demons he had been fighting for SO long, finally won. Tim couldn’t handle it anymore and decided on death by suicide. It breaks my heart that his pain was SO bad, he felt it was the only way out. It devastates me that our system failed him time and time again. It enrages me that doctors wouldn’t listen. More than anything, my heart aches for the pain my husband felt ALL these years.

We had been together for 12 years and I know his pain and suffering began long before that. I was just around for the worst of it.

I want my husband to be remembered for the huge heart he had. For the willingness he had to help others in need. I want him to be remembered for the endless laughs he gave to people. For that amazing smile and gorgeous blue eyes. How accepting he was to my big family (since he didn’t have much family). I want him to be remembered for his intense brain and genius ideas. He really was one of the smartest men I knew, hands down. He was always working on some kind of invention or science experiment. His abundance of knowledge on things that were rare but meaningful. Above all else, for the way he loved me so deeply.

Mental health is serious… most of us don’t realize how serious until we experience it ourselves. It’s not something to be taken lightly. I understand it’s not something people always understand. I encourage you to educate yourself, check on your friends and wake up. People all around us are suffering and our system is constantly failing them.

I was terrified to share with people that Tim took his own life… but you didn’t see what I saw. You didn’t experience what we experienced. No matter how hard I tried to help him and advocate for him we were met with closed doors. The mind is a powerful thing and when it convinces you that living is no longer an option, it’s nearly impossible to rid yourself of those thoughts. Tim suffered every single day, no matter what you saw. He showed you what YOU wanted to see.

Tim was my everything. He was the man I waited a very long time for. He was suppose to be my forever. I know that I will never find a love like his again. As crazy as this may sound to some of you, I’m relieved he is no longer suffering. I’m oddly at peace that he no longer has to battle his own mind every day.

I advocated for him to the best of my abilities these past 12 years and I promise you, that part of me isn’t done. The system failed my husband… and come hell or high water, I will shout it from the roof tops.

Tim’s story doesn’t end here just because his journey on earth has ended. Tim was a donor, so he will be living on in many other people. They were able to use several parts of him that will save lives and help people live better in the years to come. Leave it to my husband to continue helping others, even when he couldn’t help himself.

This is just the beginning of Tim’s story… I will be sharing more as the days come and my heart feels compelled to.

Lastly, I say this in the kindest way possible – please keep your opinions and unsolicited advice to yourself. You’ll be met with a hefty go fuck yourself if you even try to come at me that way.

My husband Tim was an amazing human and I am so grateful for the 12 years that we had together.

Fly high in the sky baby cakes! HOME TEAM!

My sister created a gofundme to help with the days and months to come.... even if you just want to share some words of encouragement, please check it out here:

https://gofund.me/358f63c3

In the meantime, let's take a look back at some of the fun stuff Tim and I did together after the stars pointed him to California from Georgia, directly to my hometown. The Universe certainly knew what it was doing there!

Tim's first time to Disneyland!