Typically, the holiday season is full of happy families, friends, great food, even better company and joy. However, this isn’t the case for everyone. Some people, such as myself, are dreading the holiday season this year; fore it is the first of many holidays without our loved ones. People assume the ‘Christmas Spirit’ will help but in reality, it does not (for me at least). This is the first Thanksgiving we didn’t go around the table and say what we were thankful for because I wasn’t thankful for much with Tim passing. This is the first Christmas that he won’t be in the kitchen helping my mom cook. The first new years I won’t wake him up at midnight to give him a kiss and say Happy New Year. All of the firsts are heavy and I don’t find it to be the most wonderful time of the year. As hard as it may be, please try to understand. I am going through the hardest thing I’ll ever have to in my life. I lost my soulmate and now I’m forced to just continue on with life because, well, the world keeps going.
If you are grieving or know someone who is grieving this holiday season, I want to share a few tips from the trusty internet that can help you, help them (that I actually agree with).
Understand that it’s OK for a person to be sad (even during the holidays): Telling a grieving person they shouldn’t be sad, their person wouldn’t want them to be sad, or trying to cheer them up only tells them they can’t be honest with you about how they’re feeling.
Check your foundation: The idea that you can make things “better” for your grieving person sets you up for failure in your support. When you place your footing on the knowledge that nothing you do can make this holiday’good’ for them you’re off to a much better start.
Let your grieving person lead: You might look at your friend and think ‘They can’t be ALONE over the holidays!” while the grieving person thinks, “Ugh, I just want to be alone”. If you’re concerned about them being alone, ASK THEM how they feel about it and go from there. During the holidays and at all times, let the grieving person lead.
Don’t criticize how they’re handling the holidays: “This place could really use some festive decorations. That would cheer you up!” Unsolicited advice about how someone is handling the holidays feels terrible. The holidays are already difficuult without people judging how they’re doing or telling them they aren’t being festive enough.
Ask them what might feel good this season: Instead of assuming or guessing what they need or should do over the holidays, ask them what might feel good or at least less bad.They may not have an answer, but being asked is always appreciated. Always remember to ASK FIRST before offering your own ideas.
Watch your language: The holidays are centered on gratitude and abundance. Reminding people to be grateful for the life they had or things that still remain, may seem like a helpful idea and in keeping with the season. But gratitude and grief don’t cancel each other out, they exist sided by side. Instead, meet them where they are, mirrof their reality.
Share a memory: Don’t be afraid to say their person’s name and share memories about them. Trying to work around the gaping hole in your friends life doesn’t help them or spare their feelings, not during the holidays or any time of year. Share memories you have in common with your friend or stories about their person they may not have heard before.
Invite them out to things (but don’t force it): Invite your grieving person to holiday events, but do not pressure them to go. Don’t take it personally if they say no, cancel at the last minute or show up and then suddenly leave without warning. Group events may feel daunting, so invite them out for low key things too, like meeting up for coffee or lunch.
Remember people grieving losses other than death: Example – people who have someone in their life who is terminally ill are also grieving. They deserve to be cared forand treated gently too. Check in, drop off or mail care packages. Make concrete offers of support. Offer your company, invite them out. Be present. Listen without trying to cheer them up.
Raise a toast to those who are not present and say their names: Acknowledging who is missing really helps. It’s sad, but it’s real. This lets your grieving people know that you haven’t forgotten, that they are welcome to talk about their people, and tell the truth about how hard this is without anyone trying to cheer them up.
Lastly, instead of ‘how are you?’ try one of these instead:
What expectations are you juggling?
What feelings are surfacing for you this season?
What is feeling bitter sweet right now?
How are you taking care of yourself this week?
How would you rate your mental health on a scale of 1-10 right now?
What is the last thing you did because you wanted to?
I get it, death and grief are weird. It’s hard to talk about and most people dance around the topic ever so lightly. Which, I mean, isn’t terrible, who knows what kind of day we may be having LOL But in the end, I think the most important take aways are offer support (how ever that looks for you) and don’t take anything personal, ever but especially during the holidays. We are all just here in this world, trying to figure out how to live with someone we love.
Be kind. To yourself, and to others.
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