It can be hard to watch someone we love struggle so much, especially during the holiday season. A lot of times we just want to fix it for them and make them feel better but that’s not always the best approach and you really can’t do anything to ‘fix’ the situation. It is what it is. However, you can be a supportive friend or family member during this difficult time for your loved one. I am going to share some things that you can do this holiday season to lighten the load from your loved one, as they navigate this journey of sadness.
Please remember that it’s OK for them to be sad. You don’t have to try and cheer them up, it probably won’t work. You don’t have to try and drag them out of the house, they may just want to stay home. You don’t have to do anything but allow them to just be and feel whatever it is they are feeling. Sadness is a strong emotion and although the holidays tend to be a happy time of year for most, allow your loved one to be sad if that’s what they are feeling and choose.
Whatever you do, do NOT criticize how they are handling the holidays. Don’t give any unsolicited advice, don’t put any pressure on them to celebrate, and certainly don’t remind them all the things they should be grateful for. They are navigating rough waters and the last thing they need is someone telling them what and how they should be handling the holidays. Leave all judgement and criticism aside. This is their journey.
Feel free to ask your grieving loved one what might feel good this season. They may want to create a new tradition, they may want to keep old ones, they may want to honor their lost loved one in someone or they may want to do nothing at all. Let them lead the way. Asking them shows that you care about their healing journey and you’re supportive to whatever they decide.
It’s OK to acknowledge who is missing. Share stories, share memories, share openly about the loved one lost. This can often times bring comfort to the person grieving. However, make sure you pick up on social cues. If you start to acknowledge the missing loved one and the grieving person becomes a little uneasy, it’s OK to not talk about them at all. I will say from my experience, it’s nice to know people still talk about my lost loved one and all the memories we were able to create and share. It really is OK to talk about.
This is a big one and one that was very important to me... invite your grieving friend but don’t force them. They may not come to your event but knowing they were invited can help with their healing. As grievers, we don’t want to be forgotten because of our loss. Keep inviting, even if you think they’ll decline, invite them anyways. Let THEM decide if they want to attend or not; don’t make the decision for them. Also, don't give any guilt if they decide to skip an event. Again, this is their journey, let them lead it.
Lastly, see if there is anything you can take off their plate during the holidays. Maybe they are known for bringing a special dish to dinner or maybe they’ve been in charge of the gift exchange, whatever it may be, offer to help. Often times, grievers will not come right out and ask for help or express that something is too much for them but if someone offers, they are more likely to accept the help. See what you can do to lighten their load.
Grief is hard enough as it is and adding in the pressure of the holidays can really do a number on someone grieving. The holidays can be a very emotionally exhausting time. Please consider the above suggestions to help guide you on supporting your loved one during this difficult time.
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