Nov 26, 20234 min read

I can’t believe it’s been five months

These last five months have felt like the longest five months of my life but at the same time feels like just yesterday. It feels like just yesterday you were spiraling and for the first time ever I couldn’t save you. I often replay the moment in my head over and over again, like a bad movie I just can’t stop thinking about. Yet, at the same time, it feels like an eternity since I’ve seen your handsome face, heard your voice, felt your hugs, and wrapped in your love. It’s just so strange how it can feel like yesterday, but so far away at the same time.

Losing you, has definitely changed my life forever. It has made me reevaluate my whole life. Trying to learn who I am without you, trying to become a better person because I know it would make you proud, trying to make a difference in this world , because I know you were doing so before your time was up. You were gone way too soon… And it breaks my heart to do life without you. But like I tell everyone, what choice do I have but to keep moving forward. Trust me, there are days that I just can’t get out of bed because my soul misses you so much. Then I remind myself that I can’t unpack and live there… I have a job, I have to do to make money, I have our sweet Sadie, who is solely relies on me now, I have so many house things, but I don’t know what to do because you always took care of them. So, you see, I can’t really stay in bed all the time. As I feel like my heart in pieces, and I feel so lost without you… The world is going to keep on moving despite the number of breakdowns I have a day.

You’re probably gonna think I’m ridiculous, but I have yet to go to a social gathering alone… I’m either with my sister, Julie, or my parents. I hate going to gatherings now, because I just feel so empty and unattached to whatever is going on.

One of the hardest things is, I know you wouldn’t want me to be like this. I know you would want me to be getting out and finding joy and happiness, but I just can’t right now. I know that it will come in time, it’s just that that time hasn’t come yet.

I am trying to learn things around the house, all the things that you used to take care of for us; the insurance policies, fixing things, showing me how I can watch the Saints game when they aren’t on TV, taking care of my car, going to doctors appointments with me and asking all of the right questions, and I could really go on and on. You really did take care of so many things for us.

I am excited to share that I am going to try and channel your inner green thumb and I have started planting a few things and I hope that they survive lol

I try to put on a good face as often as possible, or, as you would call it turning on the bartender. Some days I do OK other days it feels impossible. I really hate having to do life without you. I hate the thoughts of all the things you'll miss out on, watching Donovan grow up, us fixing up our home, creating more memories, all of which you won't be here for.

As I start to experience many of the firsts without you by my side, it’s so much harder than I ever imagined. You should be here… For birthdays, holidays, road trips and so much more.

I will say that I appreciate you showing up in the different forms that you do just to remind me that you’re still here. All the little signs, sayings, weird messages. You know that I love that shit, and I’m always here for it. To mention, it brings me a slight bit of comfort to know you’re still here with me, and I’m not totally alone.

I started to plan your home team gathering, your final farewell, after speaking to Mindy. It’s taking me a while just because it’s so hard to imagine you’re actually gone. I have to do planning in spurts because it usually becomes overwhelming. I do hope that when the day comes, you’ll be proud of me in the way that I’m honoring you. I always want to honor you, in any and all ways possible.

Losing you has changed my whole world and I can tell I am becoming a different person. I’m doing some of the things that you always suggested to me, but I never did. I am learning how to speak up for myself like you always told me I should, because we both know closed mouths don’t get fed. I’m trying to stick up for myself more, another thing you always told me about, so that I can’t be taken advantage of, or manipulated by others. I am finally putting my foot down and drawing a line of boundaries in the sand. I’m protecting my peace, and I am protecting you.

I didn’t realize how long this post is, guess I always have so much to say when it comes to you. I miss you so very much, every single day, every waking moment. I also know it’s not just me, you impacted so many lives that you didn’t realize and they all miss you too.

Friends and family, if you made it this far, I definitely appreciate you. Writing has become therapeutic for me and so if it may seem like I over share, it’s because I do. Tim’s story is so powerful and I want people to know and try to better understand what his life was like. Help us spread awareness on a dark topic and let’s start having those hard conversations. My husband couldn’t win against the demons in his head but other people may be able to.

I figured I would share a few of my favorite photos of him… He was so damn handsome and that smile 😍

The Proposal May 2016 (I was wearing watermelon leggings)