It’s been sometime since I’ve heard a song that I had to play again and again because I could relate to it so much. Grief changes you. It is definitely like having one foot in my former life and one foot in my new life. There’s a limbo space of back and forth and wondering how to continue forward. The parts of me that still live in the past, parts of me that no longer exist and parts of me that are stuck in my former life. Then there are parts of me that want to embrace this new life, parts of me that want to pick up forward momentum and thrive.
Most people won’t understand this limbo stage, a chapter if you will in my story. The part of me that says yes one day and no the next. The inner turmoil that says move forward but the anchor that says no hold on. The confusion of feeling joy one moment and complete and utter sadness the next. The ability to immediately stop a crying spell to get on a zoom call and pull it together. It definitely feels like tug of war on my heart and soul. One foot in and one foot out. Feels like the damn hokey pokey some days. Maybe even double dutch... when do I jump, when do I go, is it time yet, how about now? Ok – GO!
Whether I have one foot in my former life or one foot in my new life, the verdict is still the same. I am going to choose me. To choose what’s best for me. To choose what my soul needs right now in this moment. I choose to try and heal the parts of me that are so badly broken. I choose to try and understand my feelings. I choose to allow myself to feel anything and everything. I choose to be more present. I choose to create boundaries. I choose to do what makes me feel good. I choose to search for inner peace as often as I can. I choose me today and every day.
The grief journey is not an easy one and it’s certainly not easy to explain to others. I find myself sometimes getting frustrated because I can’t convey what I’m actually feeling. Half the time my feelings don’t make sense to me so how am I supposed to explain them to anyone else? Again, this is a situation where I choose me. I’m learning on this healing journey that I don’t owe anyone anything. I am who I am, I’m going through what I’m going through and not everyone will get it or accept it and that is OK by me.
The song I heard today was not about grief in any way shape or form but it was about choosing ourselves. This is a big part of my next chapter in my healing journey. Doing me, the way I want to. Experiencing life the way I choose.
Again, it won’t make sense to most but if it works for me, it’s what I’m going to do. I am learning that I’m not responsible for how other people receive me. I’m not also responsible for how others feel about me or their opinions of me. At the end of the day, I have to be good with the choices I’m making and choosing me is a hell of a choice I’m good with making. I’ve adopted the phrase ‘let them’... let them talk, let them judge, let them question, let them do and say whatever they damn well please because at the end of the day... I’m choosing me.
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