“I lied and said I was busy.
I was busy;
But not in a way most people understand.
I was busy taking deeper breaths.
I was busy silencing irrational thoughts.
I was busy calming a racing heart.
I was busy telling myself I am okay.
Sometimes, this is my busy...
And I will not apologize for it.” - Brittin Oakman
The ebbs and flows of grief are strong. Like an oceans wave, sometimes soft, sometimes crashing down. I’m often very busy. Busy trying to make sense of this new life, busy trying to calm my anxiety, busy trying to find myself, busy trying to just keep going. I never imagined life would be so hard. I never imagined the struggles I would face while home alone. The constant inner battles, the tug of war between my mind and my heart. The push and pull of everyday life.
Some days I feel like I'm drowning in my feelings. The sadness, the devastation, the hurt, the abandonment, the resentment, and the harsh reality of this new life. I’ve heard that you grieve as deeply as you loved and boy did we love. The heart wrenching feeling of losing you, losing myself, losing our future, losing what feels like everything. Yet, here I stand. Sometimes just watching the world go by. The earth still spinning and everyone continuing on, yet I feel so stuck in this space. The space where I want to move forward but holding onto the space that was. Trying to be in the space of the present moment, but my mind constantly goes back to the space that’s no longer there.
When I look in the mirror, I don’t even recognize the girl looking back at me. So much pain, so much hurt, so many feelings. Smiles are hard to come by, being present feels like a chore, socializing feels like torture. Ugh, yuck. Still, I manage to do it. I manage to do all the things a normal person is supposed to do. Work, clean the house, pay the bills... I may not be good at it, but I’m doing it nonetheless. But how long do I do this for? When does it become lighter and not like a ton of bricks?
These last 16 months have been hard. The hardest thing I’ll ever have to do in life, I’m sure of that. I’ve had to dig myself out of the darkest depths of hell and that is no easy feat. I’ve had to peel myself out of bed, when all I wanted to do was lay there and cry. I’ve had to look death in the face and somehow find a way to be okay afterwards. I’m trying to heal from the worst night of my life, that haunts me every day. Every. Single. Fucking. Day.
But amongst all the sadness and anger, there have been good days. In between the tears, I’ve been able to have some laughs. In my weakest moments, I’ve become stronger. I remind myself how far I’ve come. Even though some days it feels like I’m right where I started, I know that I’m not.
I am proud of the fact that I didn’t completely give up. I know making the choice to keep going was a big one and I’ll push every day to be stronger than the day before. I didn’t choose this life, this was not part of my story but I can’t change the hand I was dealt. I just practice my poker face and keep moving forward. I try to make the choice every day to have a good day but sometimes it’s just harder than others to achieve. But I promise you, I’m trying. Trying so damn hard to put myself back together. I feel like every time I pick up one piece, another falls or shatters.
Reminding myself that this is all temporary. It won’t be like this forever. However, right now I can confidently say that it’s some bullshit and I don’t like it. I miss me, whoever she is. Part of my healing has been to reinvent myself but it’s just so damn hard. I know I can do hard things but sometimes I’m tired of doing the hard things.
So, when I say that I’m busy... please grant me some grace. I may not be busy in the way your life is or by your definition, but I guarantee you, I’m ALWAYS busy. You just may not see it.
Here’s to being stronger than I was yesterday and to finding a way to move forward gracefully and not be so busy in the future. One day at a time.
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