“Not in the way I have before. Not in a way that I can describe. I am still struggling. My emotions are heavy and I am feeling very alone in my grief. I feel like with time passing everyone thinks I’m better, okay, healed, fixed. But I’m not. The hole gets deeper, it gets heavier and the days get darker. When I tell you I’m struggling it isn’t because I need anything it is because I don’t know how to process these newfound and deep emotions of grief. Please don’t forget I’m still grieving.”
Last week I woke up with this feeling I had never felt before. This deep, aching, gut wrenching pain. A wave of grief I have never experienced before. The kind that takes your breath away and stops you in your tracks. The kind that comes out of nowhere and just blindsides you. I thought I had felt all the possible emotions in the past 13 ½ months but this one is so very new. I’ve been trying to allow myself to feel and process as best I can but I’m feeling very stuck in this new phase. Where did it come from? Why all of a sudden? Is the second year really going to be harder than the first? I’m worried it just might be because this feeling is different. So very different and so very hard to explain.
As I read the above quote, I felt as if someone was writing exactly what my soul has been feeling. So many people assume I’m ‘fixed’, ‘healed’, ‘better’, and that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m still very deeply and heavily grieving the loss of Tim. Yes, I go to gatherings. Yes, I smile in photos. Yes, I’m trying to go forward. However, that doesn’t mean I’m not still grieving. So much of grief to others is very surface level. You can see me smile but you can’t see my pain. You can’t feel my emptiness. You can see me doing things but can’t see what it took to get me out to do things. People expect me to be doing better and while somedays I may be, most days I’m struggling just to get through.
Tim’s loss has been extra heavy on my heart lately. Maybe because the reality is finally setting in. For so long I was waiting for him to walk through the front door and it never happened. Or waiting for his name to pop up on my phone when it rings. The reality that he is truly gone. The harshness of the series of events. The desperation of finding him. It’s all so very heavy; even 13 ½ months later. Like a ton of bricks has hit me. And all I can do right now is cry. So randomly too. At the strangest moments that wave will hit me and I just lose it. I was getting good at containing the tears but these new emotions have changed that. I no longer feel in control of my grief. I hope to be one day but today isn’t the day.
Like the quote says; I don’t tell you this because I need anything. I don’t tell my story because I want you to fix it. I share because grief is continuous. Grief is on-going. There is no fixing it, no way whatsoever. I wake up every day with an extremely heavy soul. Trying to figure out how my life goes on without Tim. No matter how hard I’m trying to move forward, I’m really struggling. I don’t ever say it out loud either. I try to use my therapy tools and work through things the best way I know how but man, this next chapter is a rough one.
These new emotions and feelings are confusing, dark and tiring. But people don’t realize that. I’ve noticed that if the loss hasn’t directly impacted your life, it’s easier to move on and remember less and less that the grief and tragedy is even there. Where I have to wake up every day, carrying this grief, carrying this trauma. I know that I’m not the only person in the world grieving but it is and can be a very lonely feeling. Feeling and processing these new emotions, that decided to show up out of nowhere is challenging. Not understanding why or how to manage them. I’m doing all the things; support groups, therapy, EMDR, and acknowledging my feelings but nothing seems to help lately. It’s just all so heavy.
And it’s not just the loss of Tim, it’s the loss of the future. All of the special dates, life’s milestones and moments, just ripped away from us. All the life experiences we had yet to complete. A true whirlwind of things.
So please, just remember that I am still very much grieving. No matter how I may come across. Please know that I’m really trying to learn how to live this new life. Please realize it’s a path I never imagined I’d have to navigate. I struggle daily. Sometimes I share, most days I don’t. I just sit with it. Sit with the sadness, sit with the survivors guilt, sit with the abandonment, and sit with my tears.
I have no idea where this new chapter of life is going to take me but I do know that I’m still grieving and I always will be. It may look different as the years go on but right now, it’s still very real and raw. And man does it hurt like hell. No matter when or where you see me, when you do see me, remember I am still grieving. I’m just trying to hold it together the best I can.
The depth of my love and loss is unexplainable but I’ll always try to my best to open myself so that others can know they aren’t alone on this journey. Even though we all feel very alone at some point. While I’m still grieving, I’m still trying as well and I always will.
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