93 days… 93 days without the love of my life. Today marks three months that you left this earth and it feels like just yesterday when my whole world shattered. My everything was ripped from me. My life was forever changed… 93 days ago. As I write those words, I’m full of tears because I still can’t believe it. I look at his pictures every day and I talk to him constantly. I talk to him about my day, I ask him for advice and I constantly ask why. I know that he is with me and around me always but I just want someone to shake me and wake me from this nightmare.
Grief is weird. I never know how I’m feeling or why or when it will happen. I’m learning a lot about myself and other people in these last three months. I have recently entered a new phase of grief or maybe it’s just me starting to finally feel the reality of what has happened. I’ve spent the last three months trying to fill the void with people, places and things. I haven’t been taking the best care of myself and I haven’t really realized that Tim is actually gone until recently. Like actually felt that he was never coming home again. I keep hoping but then I remember and my heart shatters all over again. This is usually when I break down hard and ask why.
I’ve been putting in a lot of work and trying to be proactive… therapy, support groups, volunteering opportunities, etc. Hoping something would make me feel better and less empty inside. The EMDR therapy helped with the trauma of finding you but there is SO much more that I have to face and figure out. There’s so much more that I have to work through. My real focus these past few months has been the PTSD and Trauma, now that has lifted slightly, I see all the things I need to work through. I don’t know how people do this. I know we don’t have a choice but to carry on but everyday is so hard and heavy. I know we all grieve in our own way and on our time and this has also made me realize that this is now MY journey, whatever that may look like.
I also need to allow myself to feel. I tend to start to feel and stop it quickly. I need to focus on myself for a while, my emotions, what brings them to the surface, what things are triggers, what things help, what things hurt and what the hell am I going to do about it. The simple things at first like eating regularly and drinking water. Moving my body and helping my mind. Grounding myself and find my inner peace again. Work through the feelings as they arise. These are things that nobody else can do for me. These are things I need to do on my own. Alone (with the help of my many therapists of course). I just want to pour the love back into me that my husband so amazingly gave me. I want to be able to process the events, work through them and be honest with myself. Healing is hard. It feels like it will take a lifetime to ever move forward but for now, I can try to make myself better because I know that’s what my husband would have wanted. He doesn’t want to see me heartbroken every day, even though I am. He can’t wipe away my tears, he can’t hold me when I’m lost, he can’t support me when I need that boost. Nobody will ever be him and I hate that he left.
This may seem strange to some but this part of my journey I feel like I need to do alone for the most part. I’ve lost myself and need to find the new me, with this new life I’m facing. This weekend I did my first overnight out of the house in 3 months. I was terrified but I was with my best friend so I knew I was safe. It was hard, for so many reasons but the peacefulness of being in the middle of a forest allowed me to think a lot. Allowed me to reflect on the past three months, allowed me to see what I’ve been doing and what I haven’t been doing. To realize I’m not fine when someone asks me how I am.
This whole post was a lot of randomness and rambling random thoughts. However, I felt like I needed to get it out. So if I seem distant, if I don’t respond to calls/texts/messages, if you don’t see me often, please know that I am OK, well trying to be. I’m just really going to put me first… for once. I’ve never really been alone and I have so much to learn. As Garth Brooks said, learning to live again, is killing me.
These past 93 days have been the worst in my life and I don’t want people to tell me it will be ok, I don’t want people to tell me it will get better, I don’t want people to tell me I’m young and I’ll find someone again, I don’t want people to try and dictate how I heal. I know it’s a natural reaction to try and say something positive to someone who is hurting but right now, I just need to hurt. I want to feel however it is I feel, whenever it is I’m feeling it. Yes, in this moment I’m in a dark place and that can be strange to see for a lot of people because I’m normally very positive and spiritual. But right now, I just need to be. Just be. Whatever that looks like.
“The moment that you left me, my heart was split in two. One side was filled with memories; the other side died with you. I often lay awake at night when the world is fast asleep and take a walk down memory lane with tears upon my cheek. Remembering you is easy, I do it every day but missing you is a heartache that never goes away. I hold you tightly within my heart and there you will remain; you see life has gone on without you but will never be the same.”
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