I think it’s safe to say that when we hear someone has passed, we don’t know what to say. Death is weird, awkward, and sometimes makes you see a different side of people. Then when you throw in death by suicide, it’s even weirder. I mean, ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ can only be said so many times.
What I’ve found is there is still a lot of judgement around suicide. Without knowing the person’s real story or struggles, others will often still judge, especially the spouse. Things like, ‘well what did the spouse do to make them take their life?’, ‘what part did the spouse play in this?’, ‘how did they not see the signs’, ‘why didn’t they do anything to help?’ These types of comments usually come from people who don’t truly care about you but that’s just my opinion. Then talking about the person who took their life; ‘how selfish of them’, ‘life can’t be that bad that it was the only option’, ‘I can’t believe they did this to their spouse’. These types of comments usually come from people who have no clue about their real life. People like to think they know but in fact, they have no idea. We need to break the cycle of judgement in general, but especially around suicide. I can guarantee that 90% of the time, nobody truly knows what led up to it or what struggles a person was facing. It’s not the spouse’s fault and it’s not our loved ones fault. This isn’t a blame game in my opinion, it’s a time to be supportive, regardless of the circumstances. Unfortunately, sometimes we worry about what other people are thinking and saying, when in reality, we really shouldn’t give a shit. Shame on them for being judgmental. Shame on them for only ‘caring’ now that the loved one is gone. This is where some good boundaries can be put in place.
When someone we love passes, it’s hard and weird to go through the emotions. Then when someone we loves passes from death by suicide it’s even weirder and harder. Tim always used to tell me that he hated when so many people told him, ‘I’m sorry’ after his dad died. I get it, what are you sorry for? Sadly, people don’t ever really know what to say and I totally get that. I’m learning so very much from this experience I’m going through and I thought I would share some things that could maybe help in the future if you’re faced with this situation.
Do you call? Do you send a card? Do you visit them? Do you text? All of these are appropriate (I do recommend asking before you visit though).
Some options for what to say:
- You don’t have to respond but I just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you
- I’m sending you warm hugs as you go through this difficult time
- Just wanted to tell you I was thinking of you, sending love your way
- I heard the news about your husband’s passing. My deepest sympathy for your loss. (Then maybe share a memory about that person, a happy time, something positive)
- I can’t imagine what you’re going through but please know you’re in my heart
- Provide practical support; more on this below.
- Send a card with a hand written note inside, this is what I call happy mail and I personally love it
- If you’re going to say, I’m here for you; be there to the best of your ability. Whether it’s emotionally, physically, or mentally. Otherwise, they are just words without actions.
- I heard the news, my friend. I can’t even begin to understand what you are feeling. I’ll be checking in on you. (Then actually check in on them)
- Don’t ask how they are…
Remember that the person grieving is probably overwhelmed by many things; the loss of their loved one, calls and texts, visitors, arrangements, learning to live all over again etc. If they don’t get back to you don’t take it personal, they have a lot going on. In fact, it’s probably safe to not expect them to respond and if they do, it’s a bonus. We all heal differently and on our own terms.
A sweet friend of mine was recently diagnosed with stage four cancer and she posted this on her Facebook, with her permission I wanted to share. I added a couple of my own comments next to hers with – KC addition… This isn’t just related to grief but to anyone going through a hard time. Hopefully it can help those on the ‘outside’ understand. Creating boundaries can be hard on the person dealing with emotions and even harder to express them to others but boundaries are essential to our healing journey and if you love the person, you’ll respect their boundaries with no questions asked. We all heal differently.
Credit: Marla Hansen Martin
I am still in disbelief/denial.
Please respect the following boundaries I’ve learned I need during this past week:
1. Please don’t tell me anything about cancer or people you’ve known with cancer. I’ve already gotten many great ideas. – KC addition, comparing your situation to theirs isn’t always helpful. Although we feel like it may comfort the person it can often to the opposite. Read the room.
2. Please don’t give me a pep talk - say think positive, you’re strong, you’ll be okay, you got this, etc. It just feels dismissive to what I’m experiencing. I don’t know what this journey will bring. – KC addition, we don’t have to be strong all time or always be positive. It can be hard when others tell you how to feel.
3. I’m not religious, but relate mostly to Buddhism like ideas and the idea of love grounding me. Thich Nhat Han, Tara Brach, and other similar people have offered me peace of mind and life strategies. I was raised Christian, and I know what others may believe. If you want to pray for me - to whomever or whatever you pray to - please do so, but I don’t need you to tell me you are. All prayers are accepted. I’m just doing the next indicated thing to the best of my ability. – KC addition, depending on the person, sometimes telling them you’re praying for them can bring comfort but you’ll have to really know the person before doing so.
4. Please don’t say I’m sorry or anything like that. Honestly, words seem inadequate. Hold me in your hearts and send me your love and appreciation.
What I am finding works for me:
1. At this point I’m having a good attitude, living with love, aware of what I need and don’t feel is supportive. If you’ve already done this, no apologies needed. I know everyone has good intentions. I presume goodwill. I’ve already experienced a lot of loss and grief so I’m very aware of all this. I’m pretty aware of what works best for me.
2. Know that I am feeling my feelings to the best I can in small doses.
3. You may offer your support. Let me know what you’re willing to do. – KC addition, this is where practical support comes in. Don’t just say, let me know if you need anything. Offer specifics; Can I offer you a ride to the doctor? Do you need any groceries picked up? Is there anything around the house I can help with? Do you mind if I drop off dinner tonight? Do you have any prescriptions that need to be picked up? When you say, let me know if you need anything 99% of the time we won’t let you know but if you offer something specific, we will probably take you up on it.
4. You can ask, may I give you some suggestions or information? Please graciously accept if I reply no. No is a complete sentence. I’m feeling overwhelmed with info. I already understand nutrition, have been making major eating changes for a number of years, and best practices for cancer and will do my best. – KC addition, unsolicited advice isn’t necessary. Big boundary right here. Again, don’t take it personal.
5. 5. I haven’t realized all this before. If I’ve done any of these, please forgive me as I didn’t know better. Also, it’s different for everyone. This is for me. – KC addition; same girl!
6. Please respect my requests. I’ve learned it’s called a boundary violation when someone ignores requests. I’m now aware I’m really bad at this with loved ones and friends. I always want to help and teach. I can say I’ve shown codependency and arrogance many times, thinking I was supporting when I was mothering. – KC addition, agree. I’m guilty of these things as well.
7. Don’t take it personally if I don’t call or text back. I’m an open book, but thinking how best to use my physical and emotional energy.
8. You can tell me something you appreciate about me or funny stories. That feels good.
When I read Marla’s post I was so proud of her making her boundaries and needs known. Not many can do that (myself included) however, she has given me a lot of strength during my hard time, even while battling her own hard time and I’m grateful for that. She mentioned a lot of things that I’ve personally felt but didn’t know how to communicate.
Please remember we all handle life differently and on our own terms. We don’t have to explain ourselves to anyone. Please respect others boundaries and needs and don’t take them personally. We are processing and feeling a lot of things and I guarantee it’s not personal. We just have to protect and save our energy like Marla mentioned for what our body really needs.
Hopefully this was helpful, maybe you don’t care but now you know 😉
Marla on the right, Amber in the middle and Myself on the left 2002
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