As I’ve previously mentioned, our mental health system is severely broken. People are still afraid to talk about it or seek help and we really need to break that cycle (don’t worry, I’ll be working on this). Unless you personally know someone, who is open about their mental health, you really don’t know what goes on. However, it’s your lucky day! I’m here to share and educate you. I’ll even provide a few resources at the end that were helpful for me.
Yes, many suffer from mental illness and it is awful, hard, heartbreaking, frustrating, and all the things. But there’s one aspect that many people don’t even think about… what it’s like to love/live with someone that has a mental illness. If you’re new here, my husband Tim passed away from death by suicide during a manic episode. Tim was mentally fighting; Major Depressive Disorder, Severe Bi-Polar, Anxiety, PTSD and OCD. He was physically fighting; Ankylosing spondylitis, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Neuropathy, Carpal Tunnel, Osteoarthritis and Sleep Apnea (even after a major surgery). When I say fighting, I mean really fighting. Constantly trying new things to just feel something, some type of relief, something to feel better, anything. Fighting is exhausting as many of us know.
In 2012 on our second date, Tim shared with me that he suffered from depression but I didn’t know much about it. As the years went on, it got much worse. I feel like 2019 is when it got really bad. I started attending a Family Support group through NAMI because I didn’t know what to do and I really needed to know others understood how I was feeling. I learned a lot. This was also when he got diagnosed with much more than just depression. Hearing the doctor say all the things his mental state was going through blew my mind and I didn’t really know much about any of them. I was lost on what to do next.
Tim then began to have more manic episodes and they were not good. He would have irrational thinking, intense feelings, thoughts racing, angry at the world. He didn’t experience the “high” of mania where people get excited, it was the complete opposite. When he would have these episodes I would have to remind myself, this is not my husband this is his illness. In the beginning I would engage, but that was pointless during mania so I’d try to avoid him when these episodes happened. When the mania wore off, he would sleep for 2-3 days straight. Emotionally hard as his spouse, I knew he was suffering when I married him and I’d do anything to try and help when I could. This is also when I started to really pull away from my friends and family. I didn’t want people to know the life we were living. I wasn’t embarrassed necessarily, but I didn’t want sympathy and I really didn’t want anyone to know what I was going through because it was crazy.
In 2020 we filed for permanent disability. Between his physical and mental state, working was nearly impossible. There was also an extended period of time where he just didn’t/couldn’t do anything. His body constantly hurt and his mind would race with depression and negative thoughts. Tim would often tell me he just didn’t want to live any more but each time we would eventually pull out of it together. With the help of my therapist I was able to start tracking his behaviors so that I could almost pin point when I knew he was going to be down for days, it was a cycle.
At that time I was of course working but also working a ton, many extra hours and I was overworking myself. Then I would come home, not knowing what state he was going to be in that day, I would get anxiety just pulling up to the house. For a good amount of time, I was doing it all; working, housework, making his doctor’s appointments, making sure he was taking his meds, researching for help, making sure he went to his doctor’s appointments, taking care of the dogs, dealing with ITP relapses, I mean all of it. I was exhausted, sometimes frustrated and often felt defeated. I loved my husband so much but I was tired.
When we took our vows through sickness and health; I meant it. I feel like too many people don’t take those vows seriously enough these days but my parents have been married for 37 years and I was determined to be just like them.
When you love someone with a mental illness you don’t want them to give up and you can’t give up either. I felt like many people kind of gave up on Tim. Mostly because they just didn’t understand all he was going through. He would cancel plans or wasn’t in the headspace to go and I started to have to go to events/outings by myself. It never failed, people would always say, ‘where’s Tim?’ and I’d just say he wasn’t feeling well. That was really hard on me emotionally. I hated having to go places alone. Sometimes I wouldn't even go at all because I couldn't the overwhelming emotions.
While loving and living with someone that has severe mental illness, I tried to always provide him support, listen on his hard days, offer suggestions to maybe try and the biggest take away was to always remind myself, “this isn’t my husband talking and acting, this is his illness”. This was something I learned from NAMI. When episodes would happen, this was key to remember and so true. The things that happen during mania are NOT things my husband would do but they were things the demons in head would do. I came to a point where I had to accept that this was our life and I had to figure out how to deal with it to the best of my ability. This was no easy feat but I tried with every being in my body. I struggled a lot; I was in therapy regularly, I was attending support groups, began a spiritual journey to find some kind of peace not just in my life but within myself.
One of the positives I do like to share is that when I would have an ITP relapse, he always took such good care of me. Even if he felt terrible, he still took care of me. In the last year and a half he really started trying to be more present for me and helping with as much as he could. I told him often but he never felt like it was enough.
The last few months I could see him struggling but he would keep pushing. He would stay in bed less and work on many things around the house. This lifted such a weight off me. He would take care of the whole house and I no longer had to worry. He would greet me at the front door with a ‘hey baby cakes!’ most days. Then that started to change in the last few months. He was going down the dark hole again and I could feel it. There wasn’t anything I could say or do except listen. I didn’t always agree with what he said but I wanted him to at least feel heard. I mean, how are you suppose to react or feel when your husband tells you he just doesn’t want to live anymore? All the odds are stacked against him? He didn’t ask for a terrible childhood/teen years? Why was his body failing him at such a young age? I didn’t have the answers, so I listened with an open heart, showed him compassion and reminded him how much I loved him. Occasionally he would say, 'sometimes love isn't enough'. Love can't cure mental illness (great article below on this). I’d often walk away from the conversation and go cry in the bathroom. How do I help the person I love most in the world who is battling life every day? I couldn’t.
When you make the decision to be with or marry someone with a mental illness, you have to be ready for anything. My biggest take away from this entire experience is that I wish I was more present. I wish I would have spent more time with him, even when I was frustrated with our situation. I wish I would have laid with him more on his bad days. I wish I would have been there more. I checked out for a long bit mentally and I’ll never get that time back.
If you love someone with a mental illness please remember to be kind, compassionate and understanding. You can’t even begin to imagine what they are truly fighting every day. Unfortunately, my husband didn’t win his fight, his demons took over and I still can’t believe this is my life now.
If you love someone with a mental illness, you have to remember to take care of YOU too so that you can be your best self while caring for them. Therapy is a great tool to have an outside opinion and a person to share how you’re really feeling because nobody else in your life will understand. Support groups were a big help for me as well. Connecting with others via Facebook groups who were in similar situations. Yoga and meditation helped me because I could calm my mind. Educating myself on all the diagnosis’ and advocating for him as much as I could. And I won’t stop just because he’s gone. I’ll continue to share his story, my story and find ways for more voices to be heard. Home Team!
So when you think about someone suffering from a mental illness, consider checking on their spouse/partner. They are definitely going through it too.
Helpful Resources:
National Alliance of Mental Illness (NAMI): Support groups for those suffering from mental illness and support groups for family/friends that have someone suffering from a mental illness.
This is a great article: https://www.nami.org/Personal-Stories/How-To-Love-Someone-With-A-Mental-Illness
Psychology Today: Offers a variety of therapists in your area and you can read their bio to see if they specialize or are experienced in the type of situation you’re in.
American Psychology Association – This is a great article too: https://www.apa.org/topics/mental-health/serious-mental-illness
Psych Central: Many difference resources on multiple conditions. This is a good read: https://psychcentral.com/lib/15-ways-to-support-a-loved-one-with-serious-mental-illness#1
Sometimes love isn't enough: https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/survivingmentalhealthstigma/2017/06/you-cannot-be-a-cure-to-someones-mental-illness
Facebook has MANY support groups in relation to this topic.
Google also provided me with a lot of helpful information.
Lastly, ME! If you ever need someone who understands to just listen or offer resources. Don't hesitate to reach out to me. You are not in this alone!
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