Have you ever had one of those moments where you look at the sky and just yell, ‘what the fuck?!’ Regardless of your religion or non-religion you’re yelling at the world? Have you ever laid in bed and talked to whoever it is you talk to and just ask for a break? I may be the crazy one that talks to the Universe out loud, even though she repeatedly never answers me. She just keeps giving me more. More obstacles to overcome, more heartache to feel through, more situations to practice my patience, more burdens than I think I can handle, more more more. As I sat and meditated this morning I had a heavy conversation with the Universe and whatever spirit guides were awake at the ungodly hour of 2am. With tears streaming down my face, I asked for guidance. I can’t change the things that are happening to me and around me but I could really use the assistance in navigating them going forward. Sitting with my heart open, my soul pleading to just point me in the right direction. Make it make sense because right now, none of it makes sense.
For the longest time I was an avid avoider of my feelings. I would shove them deep deep down into the depths of me and continue on with life. Almost as if they never happened. It’s what I knew, to keep going. To put my big girl panties on and just keep a forward motion. Then sometime in my early 30’s, it all came and bit me right in the ass. I realized not allowing myself to feel things was causing turmoil in my body and it was coming out in ways that were unhealthy. All of the things I suppressed for so long, suddenly came to the surface and I was knocked on my ass hard. Thinking I was over certain things just to realize, I wasn’t even close to being over them or healed from them.
We’ve all heard the sayings, ‘you have to feel it to heal it’ or ‘grow through what you go through’ and I used to think these sayings were pointless. I didn’t need to feel anything to heal, I would certainly find another way, like screaming in woods. I didn’t want to grow through what I was going through because I didn’t want to be going through it in the first place! However, as fate would have it, about 3ish years ago... it all started to make sense. The feelings, the pain, the struggles, the chaos, the confusion, the battle within me; it was all to teach me a lesson. To let myself feel. To learn through life’s obstacles. To free myself of the heavy load I bared upon me by holding it all in. To let go of the things that were not serving me and grow and learn along the way.
No matter how old you are, how you were raised, what ethnicity you are... we ALL have room to grow. We ALL have the capability to make changes to our lives BUT you have to want it. I wanted to start to feel again, as heavy as things have been lately, it seemed a little risky but man has it made a difference. When I’m sad, I allow myself to cry. When I’m angry, I allow myself to scream. When I’m hurting, I allow myself to rest. With each feeling that arises, I sit with it. I sit with it and feel and process. Granted, I’m not going to feel it while I’m at the bank or shopping at the grocery store but I will hold that space for when I get home to truly feel my emotions. I’m a deep feeler and I’ve ignored my feelings for far too long. It’s time to release.
Through every obstacle, through every speed hump, through every ‘why me’... I remind myself that there is always a lesson to be learned. Grow through what you go through. It’s never to late to grow as a person. We have the power to be what we want to be and change what we wish. You don’t have to be stuck in old ways. You can embrace the trials and tribulations. We may not like them of course but nonetheless, we can almost always learn from them.
From time to time we may wonder, ‘why me?’ but the real question is, ‘why not me?’ Life is hard and unfair sometime. Even a little too hard occasionally but with good coping mechanisms, strong support systems and finding that inner strength, we can do hard things.
While I encourage you to try and feel your emotions and sit with them and I emphasis the importance of growing through what you go through... I do still ask the Universe for a break from time to time. This is one of those times...
Hello Miss Universe, it’s me again, please allow me to heal a little more before you smack me with any other struggles. Please let me pick up the shattered pieces I’m already trying to put back together. I can do hard things, I just prefer them to have some time in between the hard things. The way life has been lately, it has me waiving my white flag... help me out here, I’m crying mercy...surrendering to healing. Healing myself through my mind, body and soul. Trying to find the lessons I’m supposed to learn from. Help me make it make sense.
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