Trigger Warning: This post will be about self-harm. If this is a sensitive topic for you, please do not continue reading.
Did the subject of this post make you feel uneasy at all? Cringe a bit? Feel uncomfortable? That’s normal. Self-harm is a rough topic to talk about, however, it’s so important to do so. Self-harm falls into that category of “taboo” topics that most people like to avoid. With it being Self Harm Awareness Month, I figured there was no better time than the present to share a little bit more about what this month means to me.
Self-Harm is when you hurt yourself on purpose. People self-harm if they are dealing with intense or overwhelming feelings as a way to try and cope.
As most of you know, when I write these blogs, the words are coming from my heart and soul. I try to always be transparent, direct and clear when conveying a message to those of you reading this. It gives me the opportunity to share some vulnerable moments, educate people who aren’t familiar and create awareness around hard topics. This post will be no different but it may come as a shock to some.
Tim was a self-harmer. Not all of the time but when he would get the real low of mania, I started to notice it more. When he was a kid, he self-harmed a lot but as he got older it went away for the most part. I would say, in the last 3 years is when he started doing it again and I was made aware. I remember standing next to him in the bathroom and noticed a scar on his stomach. I asked him where it came from and he replied, “I was just trying to feel something”. Confused I asked him what he meant by that, how did it happen? That is when he told me that he did it to himself. Mind you, I’ve never experienced anything like this before and I had no idea how to respond or what to do. So, I just hugged him and told him I loved him. I then wondered, how many of his other scars or cuts were actually self inflicted and not accidents. As much as I wanted to help him, there wasn’t anything I could actually do.
Some people self harm for relief, they say it helps them release the pain. Tim self-harmed because he so desperately wanted to feel something, even if it was pain. His medications and his mental health often left him feeling numb. Numb and hopeless with no joy whatsoever in his life. He was often indifferent about many things. Didn’t really care one way or the other. It was just ‘whatever’. I did notice that the harm done to his body was never in a place that would be life threatening. He wasn’t doing it because he wanted to end his life. He did it because he wanted to feel life.
This was something so very new to me. I had never experienced it first hand. I wasn’t educated on it. I didn’t know how to have a conversation about it. I didn’t know how to help him. It broke my heart when I would see marks and ask him what happened and he would tell me. It never got easier. Every time, I didn’t know what to say. Every time, I didn’t know what to do. So, I just kept hugging him, would tell him I loved him and encouraged him to stop.
The day before Tim died by suicide, he had a large cut on his upper arm. I knew he was struggling mentally the last few weeks but when I saw that, I knew he was really feeling low. I cried, he cried and then the next day he was gone.
92% of people who have a history of self-harm, have been diagnosed with a mental health condition. Tim was in this category. Mental Health messes with your mind. It makes you believe that something like harming yourself will actually make you feel better. For some it does, but for many it doesn’t, yet they continue to do it.
I’d like to share some things with you that I wish I had known sooner. Some things that may help you or a loved one, navigate the scary road of self-harm. All of the following information has come from a variety of credible sources. My hope is we can educate more people on how to better support a loved one that self-harms. To be able to talk about it in a loving and compassionate way. These are tools and knowledge that I highly encourage you to pay attention to, you never know when they might come in handy.
Conversation Do’s and Don’ts:
Don’t offer ultimatums, Do be accepting and supportive
Don’t shame them, Do listen to them
Don’t call them a failure, Do encourage them to stop
Don’t get angry at them, Do suggest alternatives
Don’t force them to talk about it, Do learn about the problem
Don’t minimize what someone is going through, Do practice empathy by being mindful
Don’t use words like crazy, nuts, psycho, Do use words that show acceptance
Do:
Show care and respect
Talk to any others that may be involved
Acknowledge emotional distress
Listen non judgementally
Encourage to reach out to their support system
What to say to someone who is self-harming:
I’ve noticed you’ve been acting a little different lately, are you OK?
I can’t fully understand what you’re experiencing but I want to help and support you in any way I can.
I’m here for you and I want to understand what you’re going through
Self-Harm Awareness Facts:
1 in 7 men engage in self harm, 1 in 5 women engage in self-harm
50% of those who engage in self-harm have been sexually abused
90% of people who engage in self harm begin during their teen or pre-adolescent years
Approximately two million cases are reported annually in the U.S.
17% of people will self-harm in their life time
Self-harm can look like cutting, burning, punching, pulling hair, or choking ones self
45% of people use cutting as their method of self harm
Self-harm does not have a specific face, gender, race or sexuality
5% of the general population have self-harmed
38% of people who self harm, have encountered mental health professionals that don’t understand
Many people who self harm try to hide it so others don’t know they are doing it
Most that self-harm have co-occurring disorders such as; depression, eating disorders, substance use disorders or anxiety.
If you or someone you know is self-harming, I encourage you to reach out for support. This isn’t something anyone should try and tackle alone. Please remember that you can call or text 988 at any time if you are feeling depressed or suicidal. There’s people out there that will listen. There’s people that care. YOU matter, don’t ever forget that.
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