I read this the other day and it just really hit home. I’ve spent this last year trying to figure out who I am without you. What do I do without you? Who was I before you? Who will I be now that you are gone? What do I do now that you’re gone? Where did my identity go? For 12 years it’s always been US and now it’s just ME. I don’t know how to be me without you. It’s a very lonely feeling, even surrounded by people, I feel like I'm on an island all on my own. I never imagined me without you. That wasn’t the plan. There was never supposed to be a me without you or a you without me. Yet, here we are... just me and no you.
One year feels like yesterday, other days it feels like an eternity. An eternity since I saw your beautiful blue eyes, an eternity since I felt your hug, an eternity since I heard your voice. At the same time it feels like yesterday that you left. I seem to relive the nightmare in my head daily. I can remember every second up until you left. Feels like yesterday and an eternity all at once.
I still don’t really know who I am without you. I’m trying to figure it out. I’ve changed a lot. Your death changed me, forever. It changed so many parts of me, so many parts of life, so many things. I try to be strong for you. I try to put on the “bartender” and get through things but inside, I’m not the same. Inside it hurts, so much. Inside I miss you, so much. Inside I feel lost, so much. Learning to live again without you is hard. Navigating a new normal, is hard. Life is hard, we know this. But damn, this is really hard. I catch myself still saying “we” when it’s just “me”. I find myself talking about you as if you’re still here, “is” instead of “was”. It’s like my brain still hasn’t accepted that you are really gone. I mean, it’s obvious after a year... and I know you are “with” me every day. I know I still talk to you daily and ask for your guidance but you’re not here. This journey is so very difficult, and I’ve always had my ‘Home Team’ to do difficult things with. My Home Team has forever been changed.
As I write this, whiskey lullaby just came on – I notice at this very moment “we watched him drink his pain away a little at a time but he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind until tonight, he put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger and finally drank away her memories. Life is short but this time it was bigger than the strength he had to get up off his knees” I’ve heard this song so many times but now when I hear it, I hear it so very differently, this time tears streaming down my face. So many songs I’ve heard a million times now sound different. I hear things differently now that you’re gone. I see things differently, I feel differently, and you know that I hate change. You know I’m a creature of habit and here I am, working through the biggest change of my life, without you.
In this past year, I’ve learned so much. So much about me, so much about other people, so much about you, so much about life. So many times, I could hear you tell me to stand up and closed mouths don’t get fed. Who knew the ‘yes girl’ would become the ‘boundaries’ girl. Some people don’t like the new me. Some people don’t know how to handle the new me. Some people have chosen not to be a part of the new me. I’ve also chosen to not have some people a part of the new me. The me without you. Sometimes I look in the mirror and don’t even know who I’m looking at. I’m slowly figuring it out. I’m slowly finding I don’t need to ‘fit in’ and that it’s OK to just be. Just be, whatever and whoever that is.
The grief of you truly comes in waves... at the drop of a dime I can lose it but pull myself together so fast as if a tear never dropped out of my eyes. Some days I have control and some days I don’t. Sometimes I can get through without crying, but most days I don't. Some days I feel so light and that you are living on through me in so many ways, other days I feel like a ton of bricks are on top of me and I can’t even function. Sometimes the waves are small and just crash lightly upon me, sometimes the waves knock me down completely. I keep getting up though, I keep fighting this damn ocean and the storm it's created inside of me.
Sadly, I have a better understanding of how dark your world was. The depression I felt, and some days still do, of losing you is unbearable. I remind myself that you felt like this daily for so many years. It makes my heart ache for you even more. This is a pain that I wish I never had to feel. It’s a pain that nobody should ever have to feel, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. You did it for so long. I try to remind myself of that. I know I yell at you sometimes for leaving me but it’s because I never wanted a me without you. I know how bad you were hurting. I know how the demons were louder than I could ever imagine. I just miss you. I try to find comfort in knowing you aren’t suffering anymore but some days I’m selfish and hate that now I’m suffering. Although, I’m working hard to not suffer. I can be in pain without suffering, I’m working on that. One day I’ll get there.
“Nothing’s forever that’s what I’m told. Seasons they change, people get older, so I’m gonna hold ya for the rest of my life, as long as you love me on the other side. Cause we don’t know how long we got, here on this rock, you and me, we will never stop, you and I are timeless...You and I baby were timeless, here tonight and after my final breath because there’s just too many memories made, can’t tell me all this love goes away, no way it won’t ever make no sense, baby were timeless” - I’ve never heard this Meghan Trainor song before yet here it is, across my ears for the first time, as I write this. I know you’ll love me on the other side.
Geez, this has been all over the place. I wasn’t even sure if I was going to write anything. I don’t want the day you left this earth to be the day people remember. I want to celebrate you on your birthday and smile on our anniversary. However, writing has become healing. To be able to write to you or about you, it helps.
As the one-year mark rapidly approaches, I find myself not feeling my best. Life seems heavy, everything feels like a struggle, and I question many things. I’m anxious for the day to be here and then be over. I’m sure there will be memories that pop up on social, I’m sure I’ll hear from people I haven’t in a year, I’m sure someone will try to say something consoling and I’ll take it the wrong way... I’m not my best self lately and I know it, I just miss you so much. I’m trying to learn how to turn all of my ‘what ifs’ into ‘even ifs’... because the what if’s are a real fucking bitch but the even if’s aren’t so tough. It’s hard though, because I’ll always wonder what if, even if it doesn’t matter.
I vowed to love you until death do us part, but the death was supposed to be much later than this. Death may have physically parted us, but you’ll always have my heart.
I keep this as a reminder of how much you always believed in me... I can do hard things. I’ve got this.
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