I’ve been in my feels lately, deep in my feels. Maybe it’s the whole full moon thing or is Mercury in Retrograde? LOL Regardless, the emotions have been running deep so bear with me as I get through this one.
It’s no secret that we are often our own worst critics. Regardless of what other people tell us, we can sometimes be extra hard on ourselves (at least I am). Before Tim passed away, I was really getting into Stoicism and living my life in a Stoic way. Trying to put what I learned into practice and as I did so, I felt a calmness come over my soul. Focusing on what I was able to do instead of what I wasn’t able to do. Putting my energy into what I had control over versus what I had zero control over. Not giving negativity my energy and learning what it meant to protect my peace. Naturally, when Tim passed, I was derailed.
As I try to make sense of things, I believe that the Universe filled my last two years with obstacles and trials to prepare me for this moment, to prepare me for this life right now. A person can never really be prepared to lose a spouse, let alone to suicide. It certainly wasn’t something I had any control over. But I’ve found that leaning into my spirituality can ease the load a bit. All of the yoga, meditation, knowledge, gratitude, and sobriety prepared me for what would be the hardest time in my entire life. To feel the deepest emotions I will ever experience, the raw reality of the circle of life. I’m not saying that I inhaled inner peace and this wasn’t hard, but the principles and practices of life I had been learning, certainly isn’t hurting on this journey.
In these past 8 months I have learned so much about myself and others around me. Learning to navigate my new normal. Learning to be still in a home that used to be so active. Learning that not everyone had my best interest at heart. Learning that some people will go to the ends of the earth for me. Learning that not everyone is going to understand. Learning to actually feel emotions, instead of avoiding them. Learning to accept this new life that I really didn’t ask for.
Which leads me to one of my main points for writing this; the world does not stop just because you are going through it. The sun continues to rise and set, day after day. No matter how debilitating my depression may be some days, everyone around me is still moving forward. No matter how little sleep I got because my PTSD is its own whole person; life continues with or without me. It’s not up to me or you. It’s the nature of the beast. What is up to me though, is to decide if I’m going to let this grief just keep pounding me like 50 feet swells in the Atlantic or am I going to get my ass out of the ocean?
As I sat with my coffee this morning reading, ‘How to be a Stoic’, I realized it was time to get my ass out of the damn ocean. The swells will never stop, there may be a calmness but the tides always roll. With each sentence I read, they hit closer and closer to home. Reminding me that I need to focus on my ABILities and not my DISabilities. Telling myself to put my energy into what I CAN do and stop looking at what I CAN’T do. Putting into practice what I so freely help other people with. It’s time I loved myself the way I love others... with every ounce of my being. I’m a deep feeler which can be a double edge sword sometimes but it makes me who I am and I like that. There’s a fine line between giving yourself some grace and just owning your shit.
Have you ever stood and just looked at yourself in the mirror? Looked deep into your own eyes and acknowledged what you’ve been through? Validating the effort you’ve put into getting this far? This morning I stared into my own brown eyes and told myself that I deserve to be happy. I am worthy of a good life. I am doing the best I can. I can’t change what has happened to me but I can make the choice to not let the ocean swallow me alive. Clearly what I’ve been doing isn’t working so it’s time to try something new.
In my book, one of the Stoic tasks is, ‘know thyself’. Knowing our abilities and limits will help us focus on what is important to us and the best way we can achieve it. I have a bum hip, so I’m not going to sign up for a 5K next weekend, that’s me knowing my abilities. I get really tired around 4p-5p, so I’m not going to make plans when I’m exhausted. My husband died, so I’m not going to sit down and watch the Notebook. Know your limits! Nobody knows me, better than me. I know what I’m capable of and not capable of. I know what I’m comfortable doing and not doing (although it is good to get out of our comfort zone sometimes). I also know when it’s time to own my shit and make a change.
I don’t want to be sad, depressed, defeated, invalidated, lost or empty. Therefore, I will choose to be happy, funny, compassionate, dedicated and determined. I’ve allowed myself to have too many excuses lately. Yes, I know I’m grieving and yes, I know it takes time. However, it’s looking like the time is now, otherwise the ocean is going to in fact swallow me whole. We can only be responsible for ourselves, we can’t change what happened to us but we can change what we do after. Get beat up by the ocean or sunbathe on the sand?
As a Stoic, it’s important to constantly monitor ourselves and our well being. To control our own reactions and reflect critically on how we perceive and interpret the world. We cultivate positive emotions and reject negative ones. With mindful repetition we change our own behaviors and sometimes even our internal feelings. If what you are doing isn’t working, be honest with yourself, own your shit and focus on making a shift. It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant to start, let it be something small (mine is to read before work every day and meditate for at least 2 minutes). These are both positive things for my soul to be nourished and help me grow as a person. They are also two things that I have complete control over. If they don’t get done, it’s my own damn fault.
Life isn’t going to stop, the world is going to keep going. How I cope and move forward is up to me. I can be pissed off that a storm has come and ruined my garden or I can dance in the rain. If you know me, I think you know which one I’ll choose 😉
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