This post is to the people in my life who have been patient with me and granted me grace when I needed it the most. As I’ve mentioned before, death makes people weird. It brings people out of the woodworks or keeps them in hiding. It can bring out the good, the bad and ugly in people and as a grieving widow, I could have really done without the bad and ugly BUT it’s bound to happen. Death is something that brings out the true colors in people and allows us to see them for who they truly are. I’m forever grateful for the tribe that picked me up off the floor when I couldn’t, I’m grateful for the ones that understood the phrase, ‘on my time’ and I’m grateful for those that never gave up on me.
Grief is hard no matter how we look at it, but losing a spouse is especially hard. Someone we thought we would spend forever with is suddenly no more. My world was flipped upside down and making decisions wasn’t something I could even do because I was still in shock that this was my actual life. As I approach 19 months of Tim’s departure, I’m finally ready to start going through some things. There were people in my life that had so much patience with me because they knew that when I was ready, I’d consider them and we would work together. I’m grateful to those that weren’t pushy and those that granted me grace to try and figure out just what the hell I was doing.
For months I would walk in the garage (Tim’s cave) and have to turn around and walk out because I just wasn’t ready. I would walk into the spare room and start to move some of his things around just to realize I wasn’t being productive and I was just moving one pile to another. I couldn’t bring myself to actually go through things.
As I sit here writing this, I’m thinking about his belongings and what I’m keeping and who I think would appreciate certain items of his. His circle was small but he was loved so much. I want people to be able to have a part of him if they want to. These people never once asked me for a thing. They never assumed what I was doing, they never expected a single thing from me. Instead, they supported me. They sent me heartfelt messages, even months later, heck, even now still.
What I’ve been learning is there are two types of grievers... those that want to just get rid of everything suddenly and those that can’t bring themselves to do so. They say you shouldn’t make any big decisions within the first year of grief and I wholeheartedly believe this and now understand why. There are some regrets that I have after Tim died because I felt pressure to rush through his things but I’m glad that I finally realized, it would get done on my time. Whether my time was now or five years from now, I’m surrounded by people that understand and support me. Again, granting me grace as I navigated through this extremely difficult time.
I was and am well aware that I’m not the only one grieving the loss of Tim but as his wife, it was up to me to make the decisions and it’s taken me quite some time to get here.
Soon I will be spreading Tim’s ashes and I’m grateful for the people that allowed me to do this on my time. I’m grateful for those that told me, I’d know when I was ready. They were right. Although, this decision hasn’t been easy and it’s brought up a lot of emotions but with all my therapy and healing journey I’m able to allow myself to feel and process everything that is arising. Hence me writing this blog.
Thank you to those that still check on me. Thank you to those that helped me when I didn’t know what to do. Thank you to those that offered their time to sort through his things (which still isn’t done). Thank you to those that were patient with me these past 19 months and allowed me to grieve in my way, on my time. They don’t give you a how to book on how to handle this. They don’t give you instructions on what you’re supposed to do and when. You truly have to navigate it on your time, on your terms and listen to your gut. I realize I may not have listened to my gut as much as I should have in the first year but I quickly learned that this was MY journey and nobody else's.
Some days I still struggle at the thought of having to go through his things but I also know that life does continue on. He told me in a dream once saying that it’s all “just stuff baby”, I was holding onto stuff just because he had touched it or used it or even just looked at it. I’ve been holding onto things that no longer have meaning or a need. All because it was his. If you knew my husband, you know he had a LOT of stuff. I’ve started to put aside the things I want to keep and even bought a hope chest to put them in. Next is to start piles of all the other “stuff”. Luckily, my tribe is so strong and fierce, I won’t have to do it alone.
Thank you to those that have helped and have offered to help. It’s no easy task to go through 12 years of stuff, when all of it seems important because it was his. Realistically, it’s just “stuff” and a lot of it does not serve a purpose. I always knew this day would come but I sure as shit didn’t think it would be when he was 36 years old, I was thinking more like when we were 80 years old. I now understand so many things. I now see different perspectives, different viewpoints and different ways people handle all of this. There’s no right or wrong way to do it and I’ll be damned if I ever let anyone try to tell me again what or how I should be doing things.
Again, thank you to my tribe. So many people have shown me unconditional love these past 19 months and some days I don’t know how I got so lucky to have these types of people in my life. But I sure as hell am grateful for each and every one of you. Thank you for being patient with me, thank you for your continued encouragement and thank you for granting me grace at a time in my life when I needed it the most. You’re the real MVP’s!
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