“People you don’t expect show up, and people you do expect don’t show up. That’s the story of grief.”
Read that again
I have sat down to write this and walked away three times now. I read this quote the other day and it overflowed my body with emotions. I mean, all the feels came out and I let them. I cried, I yelled, I even threw something across the room. Sounds like a toddlers tantrum, right? It actually kind of felt like one too but at the same time it felt so good to release that deep emotion from my body. That stored trauma. That rooted anger. This is a very good example of why we should process our feelings and emotions when they arise because if we don’t they’ll rear their ugly little head down the road, whether you’re ready or not. Clearly, I hadn’t dealt with my disappointment in these certain people. I should have felt it, processed and released it at the time. Instead, it was clearly festering inside of me, if a simple quote set me over the edge LOL I also should have reminded myself of all the people that DID show up for me. Unexpectedly, expectedly, surprisingly, all of them. I was given so much support when Tim died but for some reason, I allowed certain people to just down right piss me off and hurt my feelings. People that I felt should have reached out and didn’t.
I will tell you, we live in a day and age where you can find a solution/answer for anything. So, if you don’t reach out because you don’t know what to say... Google that shit. If you don’t reach out because you want to give someone space, I don’t recommend that. Silence to a person grieving can make us feel as if you don’t care, when we thought that you did (or should).
We’ve clearly established, time and time again, that death is weird. It makes people weird. It makes people uncomfortable. It makes people feel entitled. It brings out a side that we may have never seen in those around us. Death makes people do dumb things. They don’t usually see them as dumb but us grievers could not be more taken aback by the sayings and behaviors that occur after death.
We must remind ourselves that words are powerful, often times we don’t realize just how powerful and impactful they can be. Even when the words aren’t even being said. Silence speaks volumes too. During my grieving process and through my constant grief journey I’ve been blown away by the people I DIDN’T hear from. The people I called friends or thought of as family. The people that I shared many years of my life with, the people that have seen me through various stages of my life... crickets. However, like I mentioned above, those I didn’t hear crickets from, they are the real MVP’s. The ones that sent text messages, made phone calls, sent cards, or a simple ‘I’m thinking of you’. It’s really not that hard folks.
If I can offer any advice to you, it would be this... the next time someone you know is going through grief, do not, I repeat do not go silent. You can do/send something as simple as:
I just heard what happened, I’m sorry. I’m thinking of you
I’m sending you so much strength and love as you go through this hard time
I’m so sorry you are going through this, can I drop you off dinner tonight?
I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now, would you like me to come by and walk the dog for you?
I heard the news and I just don’t know what to say other than I love you and I’m thinking of you
I’m going to the grocery store, can I pick you up anything?
A simple card extending your sympathy or condolences
You can NEVER go wrong with an “I’m thinking of you text”, no more, no less
Also remember, the griever may not text/call/email you back because they are so overwhelmed with life BUT still send that message, don’t take it personal if they don’t text back. They are going through a lot, just send the text anyways.
Would you look at that?! I just gave you a handful of examples to use, next time you encounter someone grieving. Use your voice, choose your words wisely and please just reassure them they aren’t alone and they are being thought about. It’s only weird if you make it weird and compassion is usually all they need or want to hear at that moment. Kindness goes a long way everyday but especially in moments of loss. Think about what you would want someone to say to you... and say that to them.
Don’t be that “friend” that doesn’t reach out because you, “wanted to give us our space”. Be the friend that reaches out because even if they need space, you still want them to know you love and think about them.
Grief is a whole different animal, that unless you’ve experienced it directly, it can be hard to understand. It’s unlike anything I have ever experienced in my life. The feelings and emotions, the different people you have to deal with, the legal aspects of things, the roller coaster of emotions that you literally have no control over. Grief is weird AF and I’m sure it always will be. I’m sure it gets lighter as time goes on but it will never go away.
So to wrap up, just be a good human. Reach out to those grieving friends. Even days, months, years down the road. Grief never goes away, so it’s nice for the grieving to know their loved one is still thought about.
Remember, say something... anything!
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