Radical acceptance is when you stop fighting reality, stop responding with impulsive or destructive behaviors when things aren't going the way you want them to, and let go of bitterness that may be keeping you trapped in a cycle of suffering.
Having ITP is a pretty serious thing. Despite how much I try to make light of it, the reality is - it can absolutely 100% kill me.
In the beginning I was hopeful that this was a one time thing. Then after the second time it started to set in that OK, this is a thing now. Then after the third time I was pissed. I knew that I needed to address how I was feeling but to be honest, feelings really aren't my strong suit. I don't like talking about them and I don't like feeling them. It was easier for me to always say I was fine, while inside I was raging mad at my life. It was easier for me to put my energy into something else, rather than myself. But this last time... this last relapse... it did a number on my soul.
I was thinking of all the things I COULDN'T do because of ITP. I was thinking of how I now had this worry in the back of my mind whenever I did something that may result in getting hurt. I was angry. Like... super angry, every day. I put on a happy face because I have to and I never want people worrying about me but I was raging mad every single day. Containing it was hard. Why me? Haven't I paid my dues already? How is there NO cure?! This is bullshit! Everyone wanted to wrap me in a bubble and I just wanted to get far away from everything. I finally reached out to my therapist because I knew I couldn't keep going down this road of self-destruction (that's what it felt like) and negative thinking.
She had me research radical acceptance of a chronic illness. Boy did she hit that nail on the head... probably why she gets paid the big bucks 😉 Radical acceptance was very similar to the stages of grief for me (which I'm terrible at if I may add).
The five stages of grief are:
denial - oh yea, I feel this. I'm fine, everything is fine! Feelings? What feelings?
anger - Hulk status. Screw you ITP.
bargaining - Can't really bargain with my own body so not too much to see here.
depression - Down down down the hole. Dark and lonely. Yep - felt it! Fought it!
acceptance - Still working on it.. daily.
I'm essentially grieving the life I had before and accepting the life I have now. In the beginning I truly thought this disease was going to grab me by the you know what and control my life. And I won't lie.. it did, for awhile. I totally let it. I was antisocial, I was rude, I was sad, I stayed in my pajamas all weekend, I quit working out, I stopped doing so many things. THEN I realized, this isn't going anywhere! So what, I'm suppose to be sad and woe is me the rest of my life? Get outta here! No freaking way man! I'm turning this around, I'm going to take life by it's you know what and leave my mark!
I haven't mastered this by any means. I still struggle. However, for the most part, I don't let my disease control my life any more. I openly speak about it to anyone who will listen. I try to educate people because I had no clue just a year and a half ago, (I still feel clueless sometimes). When I'm in the hospital, I don't hide it. I try to bring awareness to it as much as I can. Like this blog... share my story and hope that someone stumbles upon it at just the right time in their life. The biggest thing is to know that we aren't alone in this fight. I've created friendships from a support group of people just like me and I'm grateful for such an amazing support system!
We only get one life... I realized, I'm not ready to go yet BUT if my time does come, I don't want to have any regrets. I don't want to have my life flash before my eyes, like they say happens, and be disappointed with how I lived. So now, I embrace TF out of ITP! I used to have a tab at the bar and now I have a tab for my medical bills - SO WHAT! 🤷🏻♀️ You can't do a damn thing about it so strap in, hold on and enjoy the ride! 🎢
You aren't what has happened to you. You are what you choose to become.
I'm choosing to be FABULOUS!
Comments