She’s a Fighter – Kristin's Story
(Written by her Dad, Clay)
Aug 9th 2020. The most painful day of my life. I cannot believe it has been 3 years since Kristin’s pain overwhelmed her. Kristin lived with this pain for decades. It was like a ride through hell for her. All the stops, all the starts. Always trying to just “fit” in. Will the next job make it better? Will these new friends make it better? Will the hospital make it better? She looked for help in traditional ways, she looked for help in ways that were not traditional. The key is she looked for and wanted help.
We knew we were in deep trouble that summer. We knew this was always possible, I just don’t think our minds believed this would happen. This happens to others, if we love her enough, if we always make sure we are there for her this won’t happen. We were wrong about everything. Not because we didn’t do anything.
I missed so much that last weekend, I don’t say this looking for pity nor sympathy I say it hopefully to educate others.
Friday night Kristin and I spent the evening together. I so regret no phrasing this question differently. “Kristin is there anything we need to talk about?” I should have asked “Kristin is your suicidal ideation taking over your thoughts right now?” I will never know what that answer would have been.
I had car trouble Friday night, when she asked about it Saturday was, she trying to ask me to visit?
Saturday we were not together, if I would have visited that day would things be different? I will never know. We texted Saturday afternoon when she was on her way home from a job interview. While were talking about our plans for Sunday, she was in Lowes buying what she needed. My gut told me something was off that afternoon, why did I NOT listen to my instincts?
I miss interpreted her last text on Saturday night. I thought we were turning a corner when she sent “Thank you for always being there for me”. We were but it was the wrong corner.
We NEVER went more than 5 mins replying to a text. That Sunday when I messaged her, and I got no reply my heart sank. I raced to her apartment; I was too late.
Kristin would NEVER want anyone to know she was a soft soul. She wanted EVERYONE to think she was hardened. She loved Disney movies, she loved nature, she loved her cat Felix. She was an artist and created beautiful and thought-provoking images with her paint and her camera. Kristin fought so heroically for most of her life.
Anything can spur her memory, seeing a car like hers, songs, seeing people who look like her, who dress like her. Her reminders are everywhere, and I cherish that, I do not ever want to lose that.
Kristin knew she suffered from mental illness; she knew her thoughts were not logical. Her awareness was like living torture. It was part of what she had to escape.
In many ways I understand her illness was fatal, just like a heart attack or cancer. I also know those who suffer with those conditions deserve the best healthcare possible. Some get it, some don’t. Those that do not get it die.
Everyone should have access to health care including mental health. We lose close to 150 souls a day and 20 of those souls are veterans. When will we wake up? When will we care enough to fund and support our loved ones?
3 years, no meals, no holidays no vacations. I long for her quite tone, I long to hear her say “Right?” when she agreed with something we discussed. I long for her perspective of the world. I long to be called Pops by the only person in the world who used that term.
I know I am a better person today than I was 3 years ago. I so wish I could have learned some of these lessons without losing Kristin. I know Kristin wants me to be ok, I work hard to honor her by being ok, but I also know the person I was is gone. That is not bad or good, it just is.
I know I am “better”, but I also know that the pain will always be just below my consciousness. I read this a while ago and it is so true. Kristin’s death went through me like a thread through a needle. The fabric of my life will forever be stitched with that thread.
I know Kristin is out of pain, I am glad that is true. I know the pain I felt after she left was nothing compared to the pain she lived with. She fought so hard.
Kristin is not defined by how she died, rather how she lived. How she fought.
Saying I miss her seems so simplistic, there are no words for the depth of this feeling.
I cannot believe I have been here over 1000 days without her. It feels like 1000 years and yesterday all tided together.
Love never dies, it may change but it never dies.
I feel you everywhere, I know you guide me. I miss you terribly.
Love never dies
Forever your Pops
Our Fighter, Kristin
From Kristy: I want to thank Clay for sharing Kristin's story with us. Through each other, we can learn how to be better humans. Remember, mental illness is a real thing, the more we can talk about it, the more compassion we will have in the world. Normalize talking about it and help us fight for better mental healthcare. Remember, you're not alone and you matter!
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