This is where I am and this is where I am stuck. For some reason I can’t move passed this and today I googled how long does it take to get over survivor’s guilt. Medical News Today stated: “Research suggests that many people with survivor’s guilt and other symptoms of PTSD recover within the first year following the event. However, at least one-third of people will continue to have PTSD symptoms for 3 years or longer”. I am four months in… it gives me anxiety to think this can continue for so long.
Some people ask, what IS survivor’s guilt exactly? Let me share:
- Flashbacks or nightmares taking you back to the event
- Having your mind consumed by thoughts about what happened
- Having constant thoughts of not doing enough
- Being irritable or angry
- Having trouble moving past what happened
Often times those experiencing survivor’s guilt will often used the words, ‘if only I…” when thinking about the situation; even though in most cases, the situation was out of your control or not your fault. Survivor’s guilt may appear immediately where for others, it may not surface until months later.
This is where I’m finding myself. At the four-month mark, with so much survivor’s guilt. It consumes my thoughts, it over powers my emotions, it hits me like a tidal wave out of nowhere, it makes me incredibly and unbelievably sad and exhausted. “If only I had gotten there 15 seconds sooner”, “If only I had ran left instead of right”, “If only I could have stopped him from walking out those doors”, “If only I knew he was serious this time…” IF ONLY...
I am learning that I can’t carry all the pain and suffering but right now, I almost can’t help it. I replay the night in my head. I replay what I could have said or done differently. I replay what may have happened if I had just gotten to him sooner. Literally seconds sooner… These thoughts, feelings and emotions consume me. Down to the deepest darkest depths of my soul, they pain me every day.
People will tell me:
- It would have happened eventually
- You had no control over the situation
- He was very sick, you did everything you could
- You can’t carry this guilt
- There is nothing you could have done
And in my mind, I’m thinking the complete opposite. Even though I know the reality of the situation and I know how sick he was and how much he was in pain and suffering himself. Now he is no longer suffering, but I am. Without him.
I think about all of the things we had yet to do and explore and experience. I think about not being able to come home to him when I’m out. I think about all the time I wasted, doing things without him because I wasn’t going to lay in bed all day with him. I think about all the times I said no when I should have said yes. I think about us both saying one thing and not sticking to it very long. I think about how much he needed me but even more, how much I needed him.
My shoulders are strong but they are tired and oh so very heavy. I can’t help but feel survivor’s guilt from the moment I wake up, until the moment I lay my head down at night. All the things race through me all day. ALL of them. I cry on the drop of a dime. In my car, at the grocery store, hell today at the bank. I slept on the couch last night and found myself going to shut the bedroom door so I didn’t wake him while I made my coffee and then cried some more. I can’t help it. My body pains for him so much, the tears just flow out and I can’t stop them.
He should be here. He should be here to continue our Christmas traditions, he should be here to plan adventures with, he should be here to watch our nephew grow up, he should be here to comfort me as one of my dearest friends battles cancer. He should be here to make me laugh, he should be here so I could tell him my stupid jokes. He should be here to see what his godkids are achieving. He should be here so he can tell me how I cook wrong in the kitchen. He should be here to get me to try new foods. He should be here for me to love.
For a while, I was replaying in my mind the moment that I heard the gun shot and the moment that I found him. How absolutely horrible it all was. EMDR helped me with the finding him part and easing the anxiety and pain that came with it. Now, I replay me getting there sooner and what that would have looked like. I think about the way I’d run, I think about pleading with him not to do this, I think about all the things leading up to that one moment. I know I can’t change it. I know I can’t fix it. But that doesn’t mean I can stop thinking about it. It’s just there in the back of my mind, all day, on repeat. Tears flowing down my face while I send emails for work. My heart racing out of my chest to get it together before I have to call a client. Answering the phone and telling everyone, I’m fine or I’m OK. They don’t want to hear how I’m really doing. I mean, who would? It’s depressing and sad and probably uncomfortable. So I just say OK. Also being able to distinguish those that truly do care about how you’re doing and those that just act like they care. Yes, that has been a fun realization. Who really cares and who just pretends. I’m learning to protect my peace and not let in those that I feel just pretend or just try to get information.
Survivor’s guilt is real… I wish I didn’t have to know it or feel it but I don’t have a choice. I’m slowly trying to work through this but I know it will be a long process.
Here are a few myths about grief that I can certainly relate to now that I’m in it:
Grief happens in stages: No it really doesn’t, one day you may feel one stage and the next a different one. They certainly do not go in order and you have no control over the way you’ll grieve. Grief is not linear and feeling your emotions through the stages doesn’t help you healing any more than going through them all over the place.
Time heals everything: Disagree… time may help lessen the pain or hurt but grief doesn’t ever go away. It’s a constant work in progress, whether you’re 3 months in or 30 years in. Time does not make it go away.
Everyone grieves the same: Incredibly false. Every single person grieves differently. Different circumstances, different dynamics, different coping skills, etc. No on story is the same.
You need to get out and heal yourself more: Not true. There is no fast forwarding the healing and grieving process. Getting out of the house more or going to social gatherings doesn’t always make us feel better, often times it can make us feel worse.
There’s just so many wrong assumptions and thoughts that surround grief. So many things I never knew or felt with my previous losses in life. Losing my husband to suicide has put me into a dimension that I feel I can’t get out of. I carry so much guilt and pain every day.
So please remember, whether it’s me, you or someone else in your life going through grief, remember that they are going to feel and go through a lot of things that you may not understand and possible they don’t even understand themselves. Also, don’t feel like you need to try and understand. No unsolicited advice. No telling them how they should or shouldn’t feel. Sometimes simply listening is the best you can do. Even when you don’t understand. Try to respect their boundaries too. Some people do better alone (myself), whereas others may need to be around people to feel better. Again, something not everyone can or will understand.
This is Survivor's Grief… unpredictable, miserable, heart wrenching, continuous, heavy, not one situation is the same, it’s normal to feel, it’s OK to feel, survivors grief is not forever but it is certainly where I am right now. I leave you with a few quotes I came across that made sense to me. And of course, a few pictures of my amazing husband 💚
Disclaimer: I am actively in therapy and trying to work through this (journaling, grief books, survivor support groups, etc.)
“The reality is, you will grieve forever. You will never 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole, but you will never be the same again.”
"It's so curious; One can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses." ~ Colette
“Without you in my arms, I feel an emptiness in my soul. I find myself searching the crowds for your face — I know it’s an impossibility, but I cannot help myself.” – Nicholas Sparks
“Tears shed for another person are not a sign of weakness. They are a sign of a pure heart.” – Jose N. Harris
“You can’t truly heal from a loss until you allow yourself to really feel the loss.” – Mandy Hill
“You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”
“The reality is, you will grieve forever. You will never 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole, but you will never be the same again.”
"If tears could build a stairway, and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to Heaven and bring you home again."
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