Monday has arrived and I’m thankful to say, my platelets are finally making an improvement! They are going up instead of down. This is what I had anxiously been waiting for… that’s the end goal, right?
The struggle is real though… my platelets are up and my body is down. The prednisone is running wild through my body and today I feel completely miserable. I’m so weak, it’s uncomfortable to even walk to the kitchen. I feel like my body can just collapse. My hands are shaking as if I drank a million espresso‘s. My heart is in my throat and feels like it can jump out of my body any moment. Oh and the brain fog! I never really understood about brain fog but now - now I get it! Sometimes I feel like I can’t even form a concrete thought. I try so hard to focus on the positive - the fact that my platelets are up (YAY!) BUT all of the baggage associated makes it hard. Learning to take the good with the bad.
Living with what they refer to as an invisible illness is interesting… My outter shell looks just fine but inside, inside is quite the opposite. People look at me and would never know that I was smiling through the pain, cringing through the irritation or saying I’m fine and not meaning it. Invisible illnesses are wild. I never imagined this would be life. I so desperately just want to be fine…like for reals.
I do try everything I can to remain positive and hopeful. I try to put a jab of humor in every downfall and a little rainbow in the clouds whenever possible. Just because it’s a bad day, doesn’t mean it’s a bad life. Even with a rare blood disease! Some days are just harder than others (today is kinda one of those days). I also don’t ever want to seem ungrateful. There are people out there that have it MUCH worse than me. However, for me and the life I live.. it can be hard to handle. If you’re someone close to me, you know I don’t address my emotions often. It’s easy for me to shove them down and just keep pushing a forward motion in life. Getting this disease has forced me out of my comfort zone and to be a little more vulnerable in life.
I can’t even fully explain how I feel so I just avoid people as much as possible and say I don’t feel well, with hopes I’m just left alone. It’s as if words can’t even begin to explain what my body feels like. I’m very much a suffer in silence type of person but wanting to share more in this blog in case I can reach anyone going through similar. Just a reminder we aren’t alone in this battle. Between this blog and my IG page @platelet_chaser I hope to bring awareness and togetherness for anyone who may need it.
Today’s small victory, platelets at 50!
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