Warning: This post may be a trigger to some people, go ahead & pass it over if so
In my 38 years of being on earth, I had never really experienced a super traumatic event. Sure, there were things that were traumatic, but nothing that had lingering effects on me (besides dark humor and repressing my feelings LOL)
In June I experienced the most traumatic event of my life. My husband was having a manic episode, died from death by suicide, and I found him. Finding him, banging on the neighbors door, calling 911, laying over him, screaming, crying... something you only see in the movies. This moment changed my life forever, this moment changed me as a person, this moment messed up my mind, this moment was my worst nightmare.
In the weeks to come, I wasn’t sleeping much and when I would, I would have horrible horrible nightmares. When the neighbors would randomly do fireworks or stupid gunshots, I jumped and got anxiety like you wouldn’t believe. Just hearing that sound again, terrified me. I didn’t know much about PTSD but from friends and family that served our country and a few others but wasn’t sure if that was what was going on with me. I started seeing a Therapist and they diagnosed me with PTSD and Trauma. As they explained PTSD to me, it made so much sense and started clicking in my brain. With every day that went by, I would note PTSD side effects that would occur. Experiencing PTSD and being a trauma survivor, I had no idea the ripple effect this would have on my life.
The biggest PTSD side effect for me were the flashbacks. The flashbacks of that night, what lead up to it, how everything happened and of course finding him. I could be sitting watching TV and then a flashback would come out of nowhere, sending me into a tail spin. These have since become this really strange tunnel vision but instead of what happened, I’m visioning what I wish would have happened instead. These too come out of nowhere and occassionally it’s all I can see, which by the way, is super dangerous if you’re driving a car.
As I mentioned before, the nightmares were rough. I’d wake up in a full sweat, heart racing, devastated and broken. It got to the point where I was afraid to go to sleep and I’d just be restless all night. I was exhausted but so scared to sleep. My Doctor prescribed me a PTSD medication to take before bed, and it helped so much. I was finally getting enough sleep to semi-function on.
Then there’s something that my friends and I call ‘emotional cutting’, which in the doctor world, its known as trauma responses. This is when you watch or read something related to your trauma. Trauma survivors tend to self-induce their own trauma re-experience. For me, something like watching, A Star is Born. I know what happens, I watch it anyways. It’s said that we do this to try and help us analyze or dissect our trauma. Such a strange way to do it but it totally happens.
Something else I’ve done is hibernating or as they call it becoming a recluse. I just prefer to be home, crowds make me nervous, especially being sensitive to sound, I’d just rather not. However, as you see in my photos, I do get it out BUT I’ve never done a social event alone. If I have an event to attend or something with crowds, I always have my best friend or my sister or my parents. The simple thought of going to outings alone, gives me anxiety. Not to mention the mental preparation it takes just to get out of the house.
These are just some of the things I deal with on a daily basis, The list of PTSD side effects can go on and on; memory suppression, confusion, trouble focusing, adjusting behavior, being extremely sensitive and emotional, lack of concentration, unable to focus and so many more.
I’m fortunate to have a great psychiatrist that has been supportive and helpful during this experience. She has helped make things a little lighter, while educating me along the way of what is going on with my mind and body. If you’ve experienced PTSD, you know it sucks and you know how hard it is. If you’re struggling, I highly encourage you to seek out some help. If you don’t know where to start, message me through my blog and I can share some resources. PTSD can be short term but many times it lasts for years. It may not go away so learning how to live through it, is all we can do.
Take care of YOU!
Comentarios