I’ve always believed the statement to be true; people come into our lives for a reason, season or a lifetime. When we meet people, we never know which category they’ll fall into. When Tim died, people I thought were lifetime, became a reason. Then those I thought were just a season, became a lifetime. Over the last 14 months, I’ve encountered people that fall into each category. Some were a sad realization; others were a warm surprise. Losing my husband put so many things into perspective, even with the heavy widow fog.
With grief comes many things; many things that most people can’t, don’t or won’t understand and that’s OK. We can’t expect people to understand what it’s like to lose their spouse, if they’ve never lost a spouse. We can’t expect people to understand what it’s like to lose someone you love to suicide, if they’ve never experienced suicide loss themselves. However, what I think should or could be expected is kindness and compassion. These are two things that are free to give and so desperately needed to a grieving person.
What we don’t need is for people to tell us how to grieve or when to grieve. Here’s the thing about grief, it never goes away. Grief is a lifetime sentence. We wake up with it, we carry it around all day, we become besties with it... because every day we are reminded that our loved one isn’t here. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve either. The way I grieve may not be the way another person grieves. How I grieve, may not be the way someone else thinks I should be grieving. Again, until you’ve experienced my (or anyone’s) exact situation, you have no place. No place in telling them what they should or shouldn’t be doing. How or how not they should be doing it. Or when and where they’re allowed to feel it.
I was hesitant on writing this because sometimes things just don’t need your energy. It also brings a bit of sadness to my spirit to think about my reasons, seasons and lifetimes. The magnitude of my (our) loss has been so massive and I had to go through a major life event to see who my reasons, seasons and life timers were. Something I had never imagined. I’ve had to listen to an enormous amount of unsolicited advice from people and grant them some grace because they’ll just never get it.
Granting grace is something I’ve learned a lot about these last 14 months. Grace for myself and grace for others. We know that death makes people weird, it makes them uncomfortable but how you respond to someone else’s grief can either lift them up or tear them further down. Having emotional awareness is so important and unfortunately something many people lack in life today. It’s something that I think we could all work on as a society.
So, the next time you experience grief or have a loved one going through grief, try the kindness and compassion route. They don’t need anything more than that most of the time. Remember that it’s OK to say, “I don't know what to say but I’m thinking of you”. That sentence can be used across the board in many situations and lets the grieving person know that you’ve at least thought about them or are thinking about them. And please, for the love of all things holy, do not judge a grieving person... ever. No matter your belief system, this is their journey and their journey alone.
I saw these on IG and just wanted to share. It brings up some very valid points and from a perspective different than mine or yours, words from actual professionals.
What Grieving Hearts Wish Others Knew About Grief - Dr. Mekel Harris, Licensed Psychologist
Grief is always there: Even though it’s tucked away sometimes... there is never a day (they) don’t think about it.
Grief changes you: You are forever altered and see everything differently. Things you might have tolerated in the past are no longer acceptable
Everyone’s journey is unique: The way others grieve might not be the same as the way I grieve... And that’s OK
Grief might alter friendships: I was most surprised that many who I thought would be there for me weren’t and others who I didn't even know well showed up for me.
Grief can make you feel lonely: The idea that you’ll never see your person again makes the loneliness you feel that much harder
Grief is transformative: It cracked me open to new ways of living my life and for that, I’m grateful and forever changed
Grief is de-stabilizing: No one told me that the things I always thought mattered and received stability from would go away
Grief affects the body: No one talked about how much grief would impact my physical health
Grief can’t be compared: Comparing your grief to another person’s grief is one of the worst things you can do
Grief Has No Rules:
It’s not measurable: Grief, like love, can’t be quantified. It simply is.
It has no timeline: Grieving doesn’t end just because time marches on
It’s not the same for everyone: The way some experience grief’s ebbs and flows is complex and unique to the individual.
It can’t be compared with another person’s grief: Each experience with loss is special and should be treated as such.
It has no specific sequence or order: Grief may not begin at point ‘A’ and end at point ‘B’. Instead, it tends to be non-linear
It can’t be side stepped: Avoiding grief is impossible and can be emotionally harmful
It can present itself in ordinary situations: Grief might show up in the grocery store, at a party, or at a stop sign.
Things We Learn About Grief While Grieving – Gina Moff LCSW
No one tells us grief is so unpredictable or terrifying at times. It can feel so disorienting and confusing.
No one tells us how absolutely lonely it can feel so much of the time. Even with people around.
No one tells us its always there under the surface – when happy things happen, when hard things happen, when holidays come and transitions and changes in seasons...
No one tells us every day is a new experience in some way with different needs to decipher
No one tells us when we are on the right path, because every path is so unique and healing looks different for everyone
No one gives us permission to be messy and gritty and filled with the deepest emotions tangled up that need to come out of our bodies
No one tells us that grief is a FULL BODY experience that is not just emotions but physical challenges and symptoms too
No one tells us we will slowly, slowly find and see and revel in beauty again within the painful process of finding ourselves. And, we will.
No one tells us it will eventually feel a little better, even with those trip wires of triggers. Even with the holidays and anniversaries and changes of seasons and days of meaning that threaten to take us down. And, sometimes they temporarily do.
We will be able to allow them to come and still survive them. We don’t have to go through it alone, though.
With safety and comfort and caring support, we can get through the hardest moments of our grief experience.
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