Trigger Warning (TW): Suicide
“I had a trauma reaction 3 days ago and I’m still trying to recover from it. The emotions are still flooding me, I’m still getting the past mixed up with the present. And it’s been over 10 years since the trauma actually happened. If you experience this too, you’re not the only one. Trauma isn’t something we can just ‘get over’.
- Unknown
At some point in our lives, majority of us will experience a terrifying event. It may be a car accident, natural disaster, medical emergency or trauma inflicted by another person in the form of assault, abuse or combat. Trauma can come from witnessing someone be hurt or killed or learning that something awful has happened to a loved one. Trauma comes in all forms and it does not discriminate. I’ve lost a lot of people I love in my life, but I had never experienced any real trauma. Nothing life altering that directly changed the way I lived my everyday life, until June 26, 2023, when my husband decided to take his own life.
Not only was it the act itself that was traumatizing but all the moments leading up to it as well. I am one big traumatic dumpster with insanely large traumatic reactions. It’s so difficult to experience these trauma reactions in general, but then to know that you were never like this before. You never had certain challenges before or obstacles of this magnitude. Suddenly, your life is flipped upside down and you are a completely different person that you ever could have imagined.
Trauma has a way of rearing its ugly head when you least expect it and it’s exhausting. I never thought I’d become an expert in trauma reactions, yet here I am, living them daily and dealing with them constantly. When I have a heavy trauma reaction, it can linger for days. It can drag me through the mud and leave me out to dry. It can leave me isolated, irritable and salty... all the ICK factors.
I’m learning that trauma never goes away. We can only learn to live with it, learn to carry it and try to heal parts of it. Learning my new life and when I’m triggered and when I’m having a trauma reaction have helped in my healing journey. It doesn’t make it any easier, but it certainly helps knowing it’s not just me, science has proven these are real things.
But what do trauma reactions look like? How am I having a reaction to something that has already happened? I’ll tell ya how.. Because that shit never goes away! I experience many trauma reactions and although time is going on, the brain doesn’t forget. The responses may become less intrusive over time but for the most part, I’ll be living with these memories and feelings.
Here are a series of trauma reactions that I experience frequently. All of which make me feel crazy.
Replaying the memory
Nightmares
Flashbacks
Fear and Anxiety
Anger
Sadness
Guilt
Feeling Numb
Trying not to think about the event
Avoiding things related to the event
Difficulty trusting people
Blaming yourself for the trauma
Thinking you should have handled the trauma differently
Being easily startled
Difficulty sleeping
It’s very easy for people to say, ‘oh honey, you can’t feel that way’ or ‘stop doing that to yourself’ but the truth is, if I could control it, I would! If I could rid myself of the flashbacks, that would be great. If I could stop thinking about the ‘what ifs’, I would. The facts are, I have zero control over these emotions and reactions.
One thing I am learning is, I may not be able to control the reactions from happening but I can try to reel in the severity of the reaction. When I get flashbacks, I redirect my thoughts to the beach. When I’m feeling numb, I pinch my arm repeatedly. When I think about how I could have handled it differently, I remind myself that I did the best I could. When I get anxious, I breathe deep or begin tapping. While I can’t make the trauma reactions go away, I can control some parts of it. Although it’s not easy and some days are better than others. Some days the reactions get the best of me and wipes me out for days, major emotional hangover. Other days, I have a quick cry and keep it moving. Side note; a benefit to working from home, you can cry whenever you want to and not have people see you!
Moral of the story; I’m not crazy. I experienced a life altering event. I witnessed the unimaginable. There is no way to go back to ‘the girl I was before the trauma’. I just have to learn this new version of me. The widow, the empath, the healing parts of me. I’ve never been this version of me before and I wish I didn’t have to know it but I do. If you have experienced any form of trauma and struggle, just know that you’re not alone. We can be Trauma Mama’s together.
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