A sweet friend of mine posted something the other day that hit me to the core. She has recently come out on the upside of battling stage 4 cancer and she was saying how she shares on social the good things but behind those good moments are many things you don’t see. I immediately started crying because every word was so true. Even though I’ve been pretty open about the journey Tim and I have been on and are on… there’s so much that people don’t see.
Sometimes I feel guilty posting a picture of me smiling, or I feel bad showing that I went to an event out of the house… but when I think about it, those are just small, rare moments in time. Underneath that photo is what you don’t see. You don’t see the girl forcing herself to walk her dog through the tears because her baby deserves to get out of the house. The phone call I had to take moments before a conference call for work that left me in a total breakdown. Having to wipe my face, clear my throat and get it together so others don’t notice. You don’t see the girl that had to abandon her cart at the craft store because a memory flooded over her so heavy the only option was to leave. Being sick at urgent care and the nurse asking if Timothy is still my emergency contact. The amount of positive self-talk I have to do in order to just go somewhere. That piece of mail that comes to the ‘estate of Timothy Coleman’. Feeling upset because people you thought you knew, haven’t even checked on you. Hearing a car pull up and for a split second, getting excited that Tim is home. Needing to do so much but don’t have the motivation to do anything. That deer in the headlights look when someone asks ‘how are you?’. Zoning out replaying certain moments or memories and suddenly tears are falling out of nowhere. Keeping everything just as he left it and worrying that someone may move it. Wanting everything to stay exactly as it was, even though everything will never be as it was again.
Or when family and friends are helping me at home and ask questions that I KNOW Tim told me but I can’t remember. Where certain things are, why something is done in a particular way, how to take care of something…. He told me all these things and I can’t remember. Then I cry because why can’t I remember? Was I not listening well enough? Did my brain just not retain it? Is the grief brain fogging me up? I hate it. I absolutely hate when I know the answer but I can’t remember what he told me.
How about trying to explain how I’m feeling to people… how can I explain when I don’t even know? I’m lost, broken and sad. So, I typically reply, I’m here – one day at a time. Geez, more like one minute at a time. Grief is almost unexplainable. I know people want to understand or try to understand but the fact is, you’ll never understand. It’s a feeling I wouldn’t wish on anyone. We all grieve in our own way too… my way may not be your way and hopefully that can be respected and understood to the best of your ability. At this point in my life, nothing is personal. I’m just trying to survive, my way, on my time, under my terms.
So when you see me posting photos, please know, it took a whole shit ton of effort to get out of the house for whatever it is I may be doing. My ‘happy’ moments are few and far between these days. If I take a few days to reply to your message, please know I appreciate them, some days I just don’t have the emotional capacity to respond.
Most days I’m here but not here… if that makes any sense at all. Some days I feel everything and other days I feel nothing. Numb to the world. I can’t predict how I’m going to feel tomorrow, hell, I can’t even predict how I’ll feel in five minutes because emotions happen that fast. I always try to rush through things, especially feelings but these feelings… these feelings aren’t something I can rush through and my mind and body are reminding me of that. The journey to healing is long, emotional and unpredictable.
Every day I ask the Universe to grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference….
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