It’s been four weeks… four long, heartbreaking, soul crushing weeks. I never know how I’m going to feel when I wake up but most days it’s not great. I may have some good moments in the day but lately most of them have been heavy.
I didn’t realize how long the list of things I need to do is, seems a mile long. Yes, I’m one person with a dog and fortunately don’t have to worry about children but right now, it doesn’t make it any easier for me. The sheer lack of desire to do anything is strong. As I sit here on July 26th, I read some grief material and realize… I have not been doing this right. I’ve been keeping myself busy and distracted (because that’s usually how I deal with hard life events) but in reality, I HAVE to process this. Whatever that may look like, the longer I avoid my feelings, the worse it will get.
It's insane to me the amount of paperwork to be done for insurance, for banking, for the incident, transferring things to my name, lawyer paperwork… I shit you not it’s insane! Just when I think I’ve made headway, they request MORE information! Some days I just can’t. Some days I want to throw my computer out the window and say screw it.
I step over the same pile of things to do day after day. I look at cards to be sent and think, that will be easy, just knock them out and then don’t. I have items to go through, pictures to order, boxes to open that I say I’ll do tomorrow… But guess what I DON’T WANT TO!
None of it… I don’t want to do stuff, I don’t want to see people, I don’t want to do anything. I feel like things are setting in and my life is becoming reality. I’m realizing that my husband is never ever going to walk through that front door again. He’s never going to walk through those doors to the house we made a home. The doors we took many pictures in front. The doors that led to a house of love. He’s never going to come in the bedroom when I’m sick and ask what I need. He’s never going to remind me to make doctors appointments or get my blood checked. We will never sit in the hot tub together and talk shit about life. I’ll never hear a joke from him again. I’ll never hear his laugh or see his smile. I have to walk Sadie everyday because she was used to Tim walking her 2-3 times a day… and she’s a little asshole when she doesn’t get her walk. I’m never going to be greeted with a kiss every time I come home or a hug when I’ve had a bad day. Never. Ever. Again.
What a lot of people don’t understand is that I can’t process and feel while people are here. I’m so so very grateful for my support system and so many people that love me but I can’t process when people are here. I can’t fully feel my emotions when people are here. It’s in my nature to worry about others so I’m not worrying about myself when people are here and at this moment in time, worrying about myself is not only number one but extremely hard to do.
The people that are understanding, I’m thankful for, the people that aren’t understanding…. I’m finding aren’t really my people.
Death makes people weird… they don’t know what to say or do and guess what? NEITHER DO I! I’ve never lost a husband before, I never imagined my home team would leave this physical world, and not only did I lose him but I lost him to terrible childhood trauma, a mother who didn’t take care of him, hidden emotions for years because he had to take care of himself just to survive at a very young age, uneducated family of mental illness growing up, a broken mental health system and manic demons that he just couldn’t control anymore.
That’s a lot of shit to unpack man! It’s only been 4 weeks and my grief brain is ridiculous and my walking around like zombie is standard and I don’t know what to do with all these feels. Not to mention I'm severely suffering from CRS (can't remember shit!!!) Ugh! LOL
I know it takes time and I just hope that the people around me can understand the time and space I need. Everyone grieves differently. I go to therapy, I have a support group and writing has allowed me get some things out. I’m actively working on the PTSD and trauma I experienced from that night. I just need to do it alone or honestly; it’s not going to get done at all and that my friends is going to be terrible for me in the long run.
So while I do appreciate all the reaching out, texts and phone calls…Please continue to try and understand what I’m going through and if I don’t get back to you or I don’t want visitors, or I can't get out of the house that day, it is not personal. I promise you. I just need to do things on my time in my way.
I’m also paying attention to the silence from some people I totally thought were in my corner. When tragic events happen, we learn who our real tribe is, unfortunate but true. Some people that haven’t even acknowledged this tragic life altering event. Mind blown.
As I mentioned above, death makes people weird and I know that. If you find yourself unsure what to say in future life events but really want to say something, try a simple text message like:
- I heard what happened, I’m so sorry. We are thinking of you.
- Just wanted to let you know I’m thinking about you.
- I can’t imagine what you’re going through but wanted you to know you’re in our prayers (or thoughts or good vibes or whatever you believe in)
- I know times are hard but please make sure you are taking care of yourself too.
- Sending you lots of love and hugs today!
Very simple. Not awkward. Still shows you care. These are just my personal suggestions, did you know that you can actually google – what to say when you don’t know what to say? Google has answers for everything… if you wanted to, you would.
This is a great article with more helpful tips: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/apr/15/15-ways-support-someone-grieving-recently-bereaved
On that note; I will honor my husband today with speaking up for myself and continuing to share his story, I will honor him while I attend therapy tonight, I will continue to talk to him every day and remind myself that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. This may take me a few months or even a few years. I have no idea. I just know that I lost my home team, the light of my love, my forever love and I’m not sure when I’ll be OK again. I appreciate those of you that have been understanding through all of this.
A friend of mine once said; "You don't know what you don't know" (Socrates also said this but when I heard it from a friends voice, it was powerful and true.) You don't know what you don't know.
Picture: My two main guys; now reunited, much sooner than I ever anticipated but at least they are together.
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