June was already destined to be a hard one... I can’t avoid the inevitable. I mean, I can to a degree but I’ve also been through enough therapy to know that I can’t really avoid it. So, I’ve had it heavy on my mind and heart as each day approaches closer to the one year mark. It is affecting me more than I thought it would, I don’t know how I thought it would affect me exactly but I thought I could totally handle it. Ehhhh, my body, mind and soul are telling me differently.
Now check this out, if you follow me, you know that I highlight an awareness each month or sometimes multiple awareness’ in a month. The irony of June is so profound, that I almost can’t even believe it. It’s so wild, that I had to read it three times to make sure I was seeing it all correctly.
In the month of June, they recognize and create awareness around the following:
Men’s Mental Health Awareness: My husband died during a mental health manic episode in June of last year
Gun Violence Awareness: He ended his life with a gun
PTSD Awareness: I suffer severe PTSD from the events
The irony behind it all. I still can’t believe those are all awareness causes for this month, like I physically cannot wrap my head around it. No wonder I feel like absolute shit lately. This is one of those moments where I look up and say, ‘really Universe?! Really!? Why you gotta be so rude?!; June is ruthless, it’s going to make me face all my demons. You can’t open up your web browser without one of these topics popping up. You can’t be on a social media platform without one of these being highlighted (which isn’t bad because awareness is good) but man, not even a double whammy but a triple whammy this month.
Because I do advocacy work and because I am so open about this journey, it’s hard to ignore nor would I want to. These are important topics that involve hard conversations that we as a society need to learn how to have. We need to be able to openly talk and discuss these things. People shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells or tip toe around the topics. However, I also know it’s not that easy.
Men’s mental health and PTSD are things that a lot of people either don’t understand or are too set in their ways to try and understand. In my experience, it’s come down to education. People aren’t educated enough on these topics, which leads to not understanding, which then leads to it not being discussed. The stigma around mental health and PTSD is very much real. The topics make people uncomfortable and they just don’t know what to say. If I could offer just ONE bit of advice (you know I’ll be offering more but if you only take away one thing), let it be this... just listen. A lot of times people just need someone to listen to them, someone to hear them, someone to care about them.
If you’ve never experienced a mental health struggle or been through something that left you with PTSD, you’ll never understand how the person is feeling. You’ll never be able to relate, you’ll never be able to know what it feels like and that is OK. What you can do is offer a supportive and compassionate ear. Let them know you are a safe space for them to talk and just listen. Remember, you can’t fix anything for them and as a suicide loss survivor, we don’t expect anyone to ‘fix’ our situation but it’s nice to know we have someone that will listen.
As I circle back to the awareness topics, I personally will be going through a lot this month. It’s part of grief, the ups and downs, the ebbs and flows. I’m still processing a lot of what has happened and what is happening. I am still very much IN grief. Though I may appear as if I’m doing ‘better’ on the outside, there’s a whole hell of a lot going on on the inside. I’ll probably curse at the Universe a few times this month about putting all these important causes in one 30 day time frame. I may distance myself or detach a bit from reality. I’ll definitely be focusing on my healing a lot. Which was actually part of my plan for June before I even realized everything else.
I’ve gotten away from ME. I have put a lot of focus into advocacy and creating our Home Team brand that I’ve slipped a little in the self-care department. I’m a constant work in progress. Today, I can say that I’m grateful for recognizing when I need to refocus and ground myself because in the past, I’d just ignore and keep going. I refuse to do that anymore. I’m aware of what I’ve been neglecting and what I’ve been putting off. The grief and healing journey is never ending. They will be a journey I embark on for the rest of my life, just with different phases, chapters and feelings. So while I take this time to do some inner work, I ask that you try to be understanding. I’m living a life I never imagined I would have to live and everyday I’m learning how to keep going forward.
The Universe is testing my strength again... I get tired of being strong but I’ll never give up on trying. For my fellow grievers remember; grief plays havoc on you physically, emotionally and spiritually. It’s not your fault. You are not failing. Be kind to yourself.
Here are a few things I’ve stumbled upon that I feel are worth sharing.
The word “STILL” implies that someone’s grief reaction is abnormal:
She STILL gets upset on his birthday
She STILL wears his wedding ring
They STILL have all the pictures on the wall
Avoid the word “STILL” in association with grief.
GRIEF HIJACKING: A term identified by Megan Devine that describes the experience of having your own grief taken over by someone else’s story. The unintended result of trying to empathize by sharing details of your own loss without checking to see if the grieving person would like to hear that story. (Try to avoid grief hijacking)
5 ways to support someone going through a life altering loss:
Listen (and don’t try to fix it): What most of us need is someone to metaphorically walk beside us. Ask the person going through the loss if they would rather talk or take a break from the subject. Allow them to feel as they are.
Be specific in your offers to help: The phrase ‘Let me know if there is anything I can do to help’ isn’t helpful. Instead, present a few options and allow them to choose, such as, ‘would you prefer if I bring dinner sometime next week or can I pick up groceries?’ Or just do something, anything to show you care.
Don’t assume the pain is over: Unless you hear otherwise, a life altering loss is going to have an ongoing effect. Approach each holiday as if it’s still cumbersome and acknowledge each milestone – no matter how much time has passed.
Remember the power of a small act of outreach: It’s often the little things that feel big – such as when a friend drops off takeout after a dreaded medical procedure or a neighbor expresses their concern about something challenging. Even stopping by for a few minutes to visit someone struggling could have a profound effect.
Keep showing up: Showing up can take creative forms and involve music playlists, care packages, voice memos, surprise stopovers and more. Routine ways to stay in touch can also be helpful, such as a regular phone call or a meeting a friend after work at the same time each week
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