Often in the last six years or so I would constantly tell myself “you can do hard things”. I would tell Tim this on occasion too when he was really struggling. Figured if we said enough, the Universe would remind us that we in fact could do hard things. We did a lot of hard things… but that will be a later post. Today, I want to talk about something I did that was hard yesterday. I mean really really freakin hard.
I don’t leave the house much because I’ve been getting really bad anxiety when I do. I pretty much go to the doctor and pick up prescriptions and that’s kind of it. I always worry that someone is going to ask how I am and then I have a complete melt down in public (it’s happened as I mentioned previously) or that somehow Tim’s passing will come up so I just avoid going places. Two weeks ago, my parents and sister wanted to take a drive up to Jackson. I battled with myself on the fact of getting out of the house, but I decided to go. It wasn’t going to be a long day, just a few hours, in a town where I don’t know anyone so there shouldn’t be any hard moments. I was going to be with the people I’m safest and most comfortable with. However, getting out of the house was hard. Then when we were in Jackson, there were a few things that reminded me of him and I cried for a few moments and pulled it together. When I got home, I told myself ‘you survived’. It was hard, but I survived. Being with family certainly helped.
The last few weeks my Godfather had invited me to go boating with him and I just couldn’t. My anxiety was horrible, I was terrified of being out on the lake and not able to get back should I need to. I didn’t want to ruin anyone’s good time so I kept declining, until yesterday. I finally said yes. Again, I was with people I was safe with and comfortable with, that are basically family (Godfather, Kelly, Orby and Lynette) and on the lake I wouldn’t have to talk to any strangers. I had a few ‘panic’ moments on my drive to his house and when I got there, I took a big breath before I got out of the car and said, you can do hard things.
When we got on the water, I almost felt like I wasn’t even in my body. Like I was there but not. To be honest, the last time I was at this lake was with Tim and my Godfather. I would zone out a lot but the sun felt so good on my skin. There were a few moments where I cried because I just can’t help it sometimes. I was sitting on the back of the boat with my feet in the water when my Godfather came over and sat with me. We hadn’t really talked much about how I’ve been feeling and he’s pretty much like a second dad to me. I just started to cry… he put his arm around me and said ‘it’s going to be ok sweetie’. I wiped my tears and the rest of gang joined us in the water and by default, I crack some joke about the incident with my dark humor. People probably think I’m crazy but it’s the only thing I know how to do right now to get the tears away. So I apologize now for any awkwardness I may make you feel in the next months, years and maybe life time LOL
Another moment, someone was surfing and I had my back to Kelly (my Godfather’s girlfriend). I wasn’t even paying attention to who was surfing, I was just looking out to the side, feeling so disconnected from myself and started to cry. I was trying to be sneaky about it, but Kelly picks up on a lot, one of the many things I love about her. She came up behind me, wrapped her arms around me and said, ‘I am so proud of you’. I just laid my head back on to her shoulder, crying more of course and said thank you. Wiped the tears away so nobody else would see and brought myself back to my center.
Overall, it was a good day. I was glad that I went but it was hard. Tim was on my heart all day but I know he would have been so proud of me. I was happy to laugh more than I cried in a day. That doesn’t happen to often anymore. When I was driving home, I saw this homeless lady with her little chihuahua. Tim always kept individual bags of dog food in both our cars in case we saw homeless people with dogs, we could give them food. I had never stopped before (Tim always stopped) and I just knew that I had to. She was so grateful and I could just feel my husband wrapped around me. I want to continue the many good deeds he did. I started with that one yesterday. Then when I pulled around the corner into my court, I saw Tim’s car and said, ‘oh yay, Tim is home!’ then I remembered, he's never coming home… This was the first time this happened (probably because I don’t leave much LOL). Naturally the tears fell… again.
I walked in the house, snuggled my Sadie girl and said, ‘mama survived’. Then I looked at Tim on the entertainment center and said, ‘I did it babe’. Reminding myself, I CAN do hard things. It may be slow, it may take me a long time but I can do hard things. And this new life I’m living is definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my 38 years here on earth.
For it only being my second outing in 5 weeks, I am completely exhausted today. Emotionally and physically. However, I’m finding that if I do these baby steps with people I feel safe and comfortable with, that love the hell out of me, they will get better. Maybe one day I’ll be able to do bigger things but right now, my circle is small and I’m holding on tight to my support system.
So next time you’re struggling, with whatever it may be… remind yourself that you can do hard things and you will survive.
I’m a crazy picture taker so I of course had to document this hard thing I conquered. Until next time… que sera sera!
Sutter Creek/Jackson
Lake Don Pedro: Kelly, Me, Lynette (I was clearly the Oreo filling between those tan ladies!)
Kelly, Me and Godfather
Kelly, Me, Godfather and Orby
Remember on those days when you miss someone the most...
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