As I sat on the floor playing with Donovan, building tractors, reading books and playing with cars I couldn’t help but think you should be here. Our first little nephew together and you’re missing all the things. I know that you’re always around us but it’s not the same. He is such a cool little dude, so damn smart and silly. He took his first steps in our home a couple days after you left this earth and now he’s on the road to potty training. He goes to daycare and makes cool art and plays with friends. He knows how to take selfies and my heart melts when he calls me Auntie Kiki. I am flooded with memories of how you’d show him off when he was born and say he was the cutest baby you’ve ever seen, then you’d add in “and I don’t even like babies” LOL Some days it’s really hard to grasp that you’ll never see him grow up. You should be here...
In the first year of you being gone I heard a lot of people say, it’s not just the loss of our person but all the secondary losses as well. I spent majority of the first year in a fog, in a haze, disassociated from life and completely numb. Now, 15 months in I understand more about the secondary losses. The milestones you’ll be missing and the events you won’t be able to attend. I’m embarking on a new personal journey, and I’ll never again hear you say that you’re proud of me or that I’ve got this. You should be here...
Over the months people often asked me if I was angry with you. My immediate answer was always no. I knew you were in so much pain mentally and physically, I watched you fight demons that were loud, I watched you try so damn hard to just get through life every day. Now as I sit here today, I feel a little selfish to say I’m a bit angry. I’m angry that you aren’t here. I’m angry that you left me. I’m angry that I went through what I had to on that awful night. I’m angry at myself and I’m angry at you too. You should be here...
It’s not your normal anger though, it’s different. Everything is different since you left. Sadness isn’t just sadness, it’s depression. Loneliness isn’t just being lonely, it’s feeling abandoned. Fear is being terrified of doing life without you. My anger has me so upset. The harder part is, I don’t just feel these things, work through them and then move on from it. I feel these emotions down to my core. To the depths of my soul. I love you with every being of my body and these emotions aren’t any different. I feel them so deeply. You should be here...
You should be here to tell me to stop buying from Amazon. You should be here to calm down the mail lady when Sadie barks like crazy. You should be here to help me make these stinking flowers grow in my sad excuse of a garden. You should be here to make fun of my cooking. You should be here to hug me when I’ve had a hard day. You gave the best hugs. You loved me so much. You should fucking be here...
I chose you. I chose you to do life with. I chose you to have forever with and now I’m left to do it all alone. Some days I don’t know how I get through. Some days I can’t even get out of bed. Some days my heart aches so incredibly bad that I can’t catch my breath. All because you should be here. Now I’m left to figure out how to do all of this without you. I’m trying to find ways to accept that you aren’t here, and you won’t ever be here. How does a person accept that? I’m really stuck on that one.
Every day I’m forced to learn to live again. To live a life without you in it. It’s not easy, whatever the farthest thing from easy is... that’s what it feels like. I’m learning to do life on my own. It’s not what I’ve chosen but it’s what I’ve been given. I miss you like crazy. You should be here...
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