Trigger warning: death and suicide
I started following a new widow on Instagram (well new to me) and her posts have been hitting so close to home I figured I would share a few. This one in particular hit me deep into my soul. The sad, broken hearted, devastating realness is frightening. I never in a million years would have thought I’d have to call myself a widow at 38 years old. Now, here we are, almost a year after Tim’s departure and it still doesn’t always feel real. But the trauma, the trauma is some real shit. I’ve experienced some hard things in life but nothing will ever compare to hearing the gun shots and finding my dead husband after he killed himself. That is something that will forever live inside me. That is trauma that I will carry with me until my dying day.
Trauma in grief is more than just your person dying
Trauma is watching them die
Trauma is watching them take their last breath
Trauma is standing over a dead body
Trauma is hearing your own screams over and over when you close your eyes
Young Widow Thoughts
Trauma isn’t just that one event either. Trauma is the moments leading up to it, the days/weeks where something was off, the years of uncertainty. Trauma is running after your husband, barefoot in the middle of the night. Trauma is all the aftermath of the events. Trauma is having to sit on the curb as they cover his body. Trauma is having to send death certificate after death certificate over and over. Trauma is having to make phone calls to tell people what happened. Trauma is trying to deal with others' grief, while trying to manage your own. Trauma is when you’re in a room full of people but feel so alone. Trauma is closing your eyes and reliving the nightmare over and over. Trauma is something people don’t understand unless they’ve experienced it, and I don’t wish that feeling on anyone. To most people, my outer shell is ‘doing so well’, but on the inside, I’m screaming for it all to just stop or go away. The outer shell makes people say, ‘I’m happy to see you’re doing better’. While the inner shell cries, if only you knew. Trauma is heavy and it doesn’t go away.
Widowhood is being so emotionally exhausted that you are numb to life
I hope to never be in a situation to be called strong again... being strong as a widow is exhausting.
I know that I’m going to get through it. The problem is, I don’t want to go through it.
Young Widow Thoughts
In recent months, I started to wonder if I was over medicated. I haven’t been one to take meds unless they were really needed and well, my husband dying by suicide kind of made me really need them. However, I’ve noticed that I feel numb often. I was concerned maybe I was on too many meds. Until we changed my meds and I was still numb. Then I read the above quotes and realized... numb is just a way of life now. Being strong was the only choice I had. Being strong allowed me to get through it but I didn’t want to be in a situation that I had to get through. It wasn’t up to me though... he was already gone and being strong and getting through it were/are the only things I can truly do. The sun always rises on another day and I never know how I’m going to feel when my feet hit the floor in the morning. My emotional state feels unpredictable most days but I always get through it.
The coldness with which I am able to say “he is dead” to a stranger is always shocking to them, yet it is my reality.
Young Widow Thoughts
It often amazes me how I can power through the words, he is dead or he died by suicide. Maybe this is where the numbness comes in. I’ve had to say it so often these past 11 months that I’m numb to the words, I’m numb to the reality. My reality is so mixed up that saying those words can come out of my mouth with no emotion. I usually spill over with emotion once I get home but in front of others, I can stand strong. I can say those words as if they cut like a knife, but I have no reaction. It’s certainly not for lack of care or feelings but I truly do believe I have become numb to talking about it. It’s as if I disassociate myself from the situation and just speak. Like I’m not even in my body sometimes.
I haven’t healed or moved on. I just don’t talk to you about it because you have moved on from my grief.
Young Widow Thoughts
As the sun rises and sets on another day, people go on with their lives. They go back to their jobs, tend to their families, attend social events, etc. It’s not that they don’t care about our grief but they aren’t living it. Their daily life has not been impacted by our grief. They’ve stopped checking in, they’ve stopped extending invites, they’ve moved on, while we still grieve and try to heal. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned through my grief and healing is sometimes, the people you thought would be there, aren't and the ones you didn’t think would be there, are.
Grief and healing is hard and weird. Everyone does it differently and there is no real right or wrong way to grieve or heal. You eventually find what works best for you and what others think about your process is their problem, not yours. You do not need anyone's approval on how you choose to heal. We have to find what works for us. We have to heal ourselves from the inside out. Sure, I wish I didn’t have to feel the weight of grief or healing it but again, what choice was I given?
And at the end of the day, Britany says it best:
Somehow, I’m surviving.
You can find Britany Rivera on Instagram under ‘theyoungwidowcoach’ or ‘The Young Widow Podcast’
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